Well I’ve lasted the night out, and half of the day so far. Except I can’t help but realize what a danger I am to myself. When I get suicidal, I become irrational, and as soon as a little bit of rationality gets into my brain, even if I am still suicidal, I become afraid of myself. I become afraid of what I can and will do to myself. Others don’t scare me, I don’t have monsters in my closet, because I am that very monster that haunts myself. Even today I’ve tried to jump off stairs countless times already hoping I would hurt myself. Of course every time I almost tried, my survival instincts would kick in. But who knows, maybe next time I will go through with it. Who knows how much I will hurt myself. Or if I’ll finally go through with my suicide plans.
So right now I’m just thinking, I know everyone around me is going to think I’m crazy, but I’m just debating if I should go to the hospital and stay there. At least that way I’ll be safe from myself. Because unless I’m closed off somewhere where there is absolutely no way I can do something stupid, I will somehow manage to hurt myself.
What do you guys think? I feel like I’ll be cut off from the world and everything, and that scares me, but maybe that’s also a good thing. I just don’t know how to go about it though. I don’t want to go voluntarily all by myself and then have my family find out I’ve been admitted. I don’t really want to go involuntarily either…because I feel like at least if it’s voluntary, I may have more freedom. But I’m also scared of asking my family or the people around me.
I don’t know. I feel lost right now.
I just want to sleep and when I wake up everything is perfect. Why can’t sleep be that way?
And I seriously feel like I either have the worst or best major ever. Depending on my mood. As an architecture major, I have access to all the blades and knives and stuff I need without looking like a weirdo. And I guess my therapist trusts me enough to be OK with that. But it probably isn’t the best major for someone who self-harms because of the ease of access I have to such tools. Otherwise I love my major.
26 comments
Have you thought about purchasing a straitjacket and Hannibal Lecter type mask.
Sounds like a great idea. I should just go look them up on amazon right now.
If you feel that you’re going to hurt yourself, you should go to the hospital. I can’t speak for all hospitals but, when I was inpatient, we had a ‘injury-proof’ (hard to describe) handset that we had access to. If people wanted to call us, they could (other than meal times, appointments, overnight, etc.). Communications aside, it’s important for you to get the help that you need. The people around you might be worried. At the same time, I’m certain that they want the best for you. Going to the hospital could start you on a path of recovery. You stated that you love your major. It’s important to love yourself now so you can use the knowledge you’re learning later. Please get some help.
Well I’ve already hurt myself, since I cut. I just feel like I’ll do something even worse, like I’ve stated above.
How long were you in the hospital for? I’ve only been to a psych ward once and it was to the emergency because my meds caused a horrible reaction and I started hearing voices, which went away as soon as I stopped taking them.
And I guess you’re right, I’ve already screwed up my life so much, if I try fighting it out by myself, I’ll most likely lose, so I should go do something about it.
moonlitrose34,
I agree with distant.road — I think you should go to the hospital, considering that you feel like you might hurt yourself if you don’t. Please, reach out and ask for help… And if you need someone to talk with, I’d be happy to listen — I’m here (it looks like I’ll be up all night, too, hehe)! 🙂 Please take care, and stay safe!
Thanks blue!
I guess the only thing stopping me is that I’m afraid. I hate how even in this day and age there’s a stigma because of mental illness. It would be fine to go to a hospital if I had a physical illness, but why is it so so much harder to go if you suffer from a mental illness?
And thank you, your posts from yesterday and today have been keeping me happy (:
I think I know what you mean… In the time before I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for the first time (it was scheduled, if you know what I mean), I was terrified of the stigma… and I suppose I still am, in some ways. However, I hope you can overcome this fear. It’s very important that you get help — especially since you’ve already hurt yourself. Is there anything I can do to help make it a little easier to reach out (by the way — feel free to e-mail me if you’d like)?
Thank you so much for saying that! You just made me very happy — and that’s no small thing considering the state I’m in at the moment. Thank you again ^_^
Um, I just want to say that if you get a sick leave from the psychiatric hospital for your university, it’s better to go to family physician, tell him about your situation and ask him to rewrite the leave. With me in the hospital was a girl called Kate and when she went to job, on first day she got constructive dismissal because she brought a sick leave from this kind of hospital. People are just weird. They fear such things. Don’t they know that majority of murderers etc are totally normal people?
@blue thank you. An no really, your words and other people on here make me feel so much better (:
And yeah I think I might talk to my therapist about it tomorrow since I have an appointment with her. I usually see her every week, but because of holiday’s I haven’t seen her in two weeks.
@littlebead Do you mean for the school? because if I go in the hospital it’ll most likely be my school hospital, because it’s one of the best hospitals. They have their own psych ward.
I’ll probably email both of you guys soon. I’m happy I got to meet you guys.
Thank you, moonlitrose — and likewise!
That sounds good, I’m very glad to hear you say that. I wish you the best of luck with your appointment — I sincerely hope your therapist will get you the help you need.
How are you now? Do you feel like you might still try to harm yourself?
I probably won’t try to jump/fall down the stairs and seriously injure myself, but I might cut. I still feel like it. At least even though I still have suicidal thoughts, I’m not as suicidal as I was earlier.
I’m glad to hear that your suicidal thoughts aren’t quite as prominent now, but please don’t cut, my friend. Please, hang in there until you see your therapist tomorrow and get specialised help. I’m still here if you’d like to talk 🙂
Thank you! It’s much much easier to talk to someone I’ve never met than someone I personally know. I’m trying to talk to my friend about the hospital thing right now. It’s so much harder than it was to just ask on here.
And I think I’ll just email you from here on, because then I won’t have to keep coming back to find the comments haha.
Please read my comment on your post from yesterday, 4th of January. I strongly recommend you to go to hospital on your own =)
Huuuugs =)
I will!! Is it the one I replied to, or did you post another one?
Another one, sweetheart =)
aw moon you dont need a hospital.. trust me.. you just need to find things that make ya positive and feel happy! and remember, eat healthy yummy fruits everyday and pamper yourself as much as possible!! BUBBLE BATHS! haha
haha thanks Krazy. But I think that’s the one place I will feel safe. I’m not safe from myself. I can basically use anything around me to hurt myself. And I know when I’m not thinking clearly I’ll go through with it, but at the moment I’m thinking clearly, so maybe I should make some clear decisions before it’s too late.
Anyways I’ll probably let you guys know what happens 🙂
I swear all of you guys on here make me happy. Thank you for all your kind comments (:
I also recommend getting help. Talk to your therapist tomorrow about what the bed corse of action is right for you. I’m also here to talk if you need to talk.
Thank you for your comment. At the moment I am feeling better (:
Sorry, just read your post and just wanted to say. Haha, fuck architecture! I study landscape architecture which is very closely connected to architecture.
I could go literally cut my head off if I wanted to, with the equipment we have in the workshop. Eeee into circular saw.
Architecture is such a high-pressure field. It’s almost like they want us to kill ourselves in creative ways.
Haha, I don’t think we need creative ways, we’re given all the tools at our disposal.
But I still love architecture. There’s just something entrancing about it. And besides I get to tell people, oh hey…I don’t make buildings, I manipulate space to make you do what I want 😀
Moon!! Your back!! How was it? 🙂
Hi krazy!! Haha you noticed. yay 😀
Read my most recent post. I just updated. To put it simply though, it was good, I’m feeling better 🙂