Thoughts

Today I bought razor blades and then went home and listened to King Gordy time to die. It brought me comfort reminding me of when I would take a knife to my basement and listen to the same song. I feared I had changed a lot since I began consuming and shipping drugs but this helps remind me of my old innocent self. But even then I was suicidal, I recently read from an old journal I had about how much I hated my father getting drunk and my mother yelling, which is funny because I don’t recall my father getting drunk upsetting me that much during my childhood. Which makes me wonder how much of my life have I blocked out? Does my mind just forgot things for the realization that I might kill myself If I did remember? Maby that’s why I smoke so much. I hate my life so why not give me something that makes it harder to remember. I don’t want to go on pills I don’t want to have to do drugs I just want to be happy. I, similarly to how I believe other people act, seek acceptance and love. I feel distant from my family and am afraid of what would happen if me and Lauren broke up. Not so much afraid but awoken to the fact that my time is coming soon. I feel like I can accept death. I feel like I will only add more pain to the world and why do that when I could please everyone and no longer feel the need to suffer here. I feel like I cant trust anyone. But I also feel like that’s just the way life is, I just hate that feeling. That your not good enough. That I’m just a drug dealing drug addict piece of shit, but fuck them they couldn’t do half the shit I did for this money. I worked my ass off and took the risk I deserve what the fuck I got. I’m relieved I’m done but now bored as fuck. But I guess that’s why I got into drugs, I was bored. I don’t know who to trust, my bestfriend snitched and who says he didn’t snitch on me? I hate not being able to know things, sometimes I feel I’d rather know that the bad option was chosen rather than be held in the dark. I feel like I was living in the dark during my parents divorce. I just didn’t know what was going on, but know that I know what my dad has done I feel like I’d maybe rather continue living in the dark. Ignorance is bliss, but how can I be in bliss not understanding what’s going on? All my friends only cared about drugs which I guess I did too, but I feel responsible for a number of drug addicts I created. But is it still a sin if I didn’t mean for this to happen? I was still young I didn’t even know molly was ecstasy the first time I tried it……-_- I just saw how much fun everyone was having and wanted to be apart of it, I had never felt so accepted but that’s what they want. Get people interested and keep the trap alive I know how it works. I guess I just feel lonely and unloved. I pushed away a lot of my friends when I transitioned to drugs and know everyone’s to fucked up for me to even know whose on my side. Half of my ‘friends’ would back stab the fuck out of me just to get what they want and I know understand that. While typing all of this out has my relaxed my eyes still glance at the razor blades on the table. Do it. Do it. Do it. My brain tells myself, all of the people I’ve loved do it, and I know im responsible for it even though I never meant to hurt anyone and still love them. Oh god I’ve created so much pain in this world. I’m getting tired of hanging out with fiends but that’s pretty much the only option I have when I’m a fiend too. Lol I used to be anorexic, reminded me of that because I havent really been eating lately. I just wanna be strong and not look like a fat piece of shit for once in my life. I feel like if I can develop my insides as well as my outside I can finally be happy. I just wonder if ill give myself the chance to develop. That might be why I want to kill myself, because I’m worried of seeing what ill become. I just hate the fact that I remind myself so much of my father, as if I’m killing him by killing myself. I just got to much shit on my mind. It just seems to be to much pain and to little happiness. I’m one thing away from killing myself and I know it. Especially now I got money I can just go buy a gun or something and shoot myself. Always thought about how I would die. I don’t know, I think gun would be the easiest, or jumping off some super high building. Either way id have personalized letters for all my friends explaining my thought process. Lol I did that sophomore year I think, lolz I actually sent one to miranda and she was like uh..is this a will. Lololol atleast I can laugh at myself. I feel like I use humor to get through a lot of tough aspects of my lives. Which is why the jokers dope as fuck lol. Just a crazy dude but still has fun with life. I just need help.