I wish I were someone else. I don’t care what I look like. I just want to escape my mind. I want to stop all of these thoughts that engulf me. They are trying to kill me. But they’re right. I am one in 7 billion. I don’t matter. I will never be an important part of the world. I might as well not even exist. I don’t even want to try to be someone important. I hate the world and I hate the human race. Call me cynical, but nobody cares about anybody unless it’s benefiting them. I don’t want to be a part of this society. I don’t want to spend my whole life trying to live up to societies’ expectations and give back to a world that won’t be affected by me anyhow. I know these are awful things to say. And I truly try to be thankful for what I have and appreciate it. But I just can’t. I don’t belong here. I don’t deserve to be here. I hate who I am and I wish I were dead. One day I will grasp onto enough courage from deep within me and do it. Then I won’t hurt anymore and I won’t think anymore. I will sleep forever.
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True man or woman…I also look forward to that end. But strange enough, lately I’ve also swung in the other direction. I fear what I may miss out on or my life actually getting a lot better.
I think it boils down to a few special things I’d like to get out of life before I go, like finding the love of my life. I still believe I can (been in love once before). Do some travelling, sky-diving, flying, be out in nature and I have a few ideas I’m dying to invent/create but won’t mention here. If I could achieve those things I’d say my life was worthwhile.
Yet at the same time, I’m experiencing some health issues, I have a very hard climb ahead of me, trying to move to a better place, get a better job, get back to the gym and I’m getting older. I’m trying to do all this before I get to 50, in my early 40s now.
Some days I truly just want to give up and end it…it all feels rather pointless, but then I also have some people who depend on me to be there. And just as I wouldn’t want them to be gone, I know they want me around also….so I’m letting things play out as it is and just coasting along. If I could accomplish a few of the goals I’ve set for myself, I’ll be happy with my life and then I feel I’d be ready for death. That’s partly why I’m still around.
Good luck!
There are people like you out there, somewhere, I’m sort of one of them anyways…
I don’t want to contribute back to society, I hate everyone, I hate myself, humans are such disgusting creatures, I am one, why cant the whole world just burn?…
You can dig out of it if you choose to but i decided to just try and accept it and kill myself….but life seems too unpredictable. For years I’ve just lingered…I’m better off, but im always ‘better off’, that doesn’t make me want to die any less =S
Maybe I’ll snap one day and purge as many years of existance as i can from people, whether they want it or not….I kinda hope it never comes to that, but it has with people in the past =/ and I have no idea where these malevolent thoughts will lead me…
They might be awful things to say if you look at them from a “normal” person perspective, but most of them are true. Human race itself is just making a difference for the worst in my opinion, and yup there’s 7 billion (and growing!), but that doesn’t mean that you don’t matter, everyone matters to at least one human being (or more) at least once in their life. Maybe we can’t make an everlasting difference but it won’t matter once we are gone, it only matters while we are here (at least that’s what i like to think now tho). Don’t think that you are alone on feeling like you do tho, i relate to most of what you wrote, and so will most people at one point in their lives (even if it’s just a for a sec, hehe).