27 weeks. I was gone for 27 weeks. And you were the closest thing I had to home.
Granted I didn’t know you for 10 of those, but hey training has this way of flinging the unexpected in your face. More often then not, it’s a hot steamy pile of crud… but not you. I remember walking through the hall past the other platoon females room while you unpacked your duffle. I remember thinking to myself how beautiful the lines in you shoulders were. How the cut of your jaw was strong and masculine yet soft and feminine. you were the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. In one look, I needed to know you, I had to know everything about you. but I couldn’t bring myself to smile back at you, I just put my head down and kept trotting to my room. Who knew nearly 8 months later I’d even still think about you, let alone talk to you. But I do. I still think about how I told myself I couldn’t possibly be into another female (even with that voice in my head thats been shouting “honey, confess” my whole life” or how my husband would feel if I came out. I hated being left alone with you, I hated the fact you were moved into our platoon females room (although secretly I relished in it), or how every night I’d wake up to see if you were still there. I hated not being able to tell you how amazing you were. Graduation came and I left without telling you. I just climbed on the plane and blocked you out as long as I could, I swallowed the poison of coming home. But now we’re multiple states away. And we talk constantly. A 3 hour time difference. I wouldn’t tell you how late Id stay awake at night just to talk to you about anything and everything, for a while I’d just wake up to check my phone for your messages..I gave you every piece of me I could. I’ve told you my secrets. And you’ve told me yours…
But it doesn’t matter. I’m married to a man who thinks “keeping it in the circle of friends” is a smart way to have an affair and You’re in love with someone else you can’t have. My life is crumbling around me and as I sit here, the only person that’s given me hope since coming back, is drowning. I’m literally watching you disappear from my life. You told me about the razor, how you cant seem to leave it..I can’t just let you die. I cant put the blood back into you. I can’t fix how deeply you hurt, because I know I’ll never be able to do what she did for you. But that doesn’t matter, because I’ll never be able to step out of that friendly comfort zone. I don’t possess what it takes to make you feel the same way, and I lack the courage to tell him goodbye…if I could just know that you’d let me in, I’d give up everything. But it doesn’t matter because I’ll always just be your battle buddy, never your protector.