Alone

I’ve done bad things. I mean really, seriously bad. Not the ‘everybody makes mistakes’ sort, but the kind you don’t get forgiven for. It’s been a while since I was at my worst, but if I’m honest I haven’t really changed. In the right circumstances, I would do it again. That part of me is still there, and although rationally I know that giving in to it won’t make me happy, if I get desperate enough all bets are off.

Of course there’s always a price. I don’t think I can ever be myself again, with anyone. I can’t reveal who or what I really am, because it’s detestable. There’s no one I can lower my barriers with. I am disgusting, unacceptable. Nobody (sane) could know the truth, without being repulsed.

The problem I keep banging my head against is how to live with that reality. To be yourself with others seems like a necessary part of human life. To share your thoughts and feelings, without constantly shielding who you really are from them, aware that rejection is only a slip up away. To just enjoy being in the moment with someone, without knowing that you’re deceiving them. Friendship, intimacy, love. It’s all off the table now. I’m incapable of any kind of honest human connection.

All that’s left is the pretence. I’m the guy at work who’s friendly and helpful, but when you ask him about himself gets oddly uncomfortable. No girlfriend? How strange. Intelligent and thoughtful, but working a dead end job with no aspiration or plan. Weird. Nobody can quite figure him out, because he doesn’t want to be figured out. We may make small talk or share a joke, but we will never be friends.

I am utterly alone. Even if there are others experiencing the same, we’d all be alone in this. I could never accept someone else who had done what I have. How do you live with that?