Death is Calling

And I’m afraid I can’t ignore it. I have put it off so many times. I even hate myself for not going through with it before, I regret going to the ER when I had the will to end it all.

Even now as a mother, I am full of pain, loneliness, sorrow. I see no light at the end of the tunnel even though I try. I love my son but the pain is too much to live with. From age 4 ’til now my life has been terrible. One bad thing after the next. Where is my break? Where’s my happiness?  Apparently, there isn’t any of that for me.

I try to enjoy being a mother but I can’t even afford basic things like a vehicle, decent place to live, etc. I reached out to my family, was told they’d help me with whatever I needed to get on my feet and that was a lie. Why bother saying things like that, have me come all the way to a new state and not keep your word?!

I even tried reaching out to strangers and that didn’t work.  I guess most people assume something is wrong either me if even my family and friends won’t help at all so why bother.

Well, I have no friends. I have had any in years. I left an abusive relationship to have a better life and it seems like it was a huge mistake to leave. Jim Threatening My Life And treating my son as if he is some gross, unimportant thing doesn’t seem so bad now. At least we had a nice house to live in, plenty of food to eat, a ride to doctors appointments and never came close to running out of diapers.

I feel like my life is a huge joke. I used to think to myself I must be having a nightmare, I’ll wake up soon and it will be over. I’ll be back enjoying my normal happy life. Only I never woke up. It finally set in that life really has been shit and every time I try to make it better there’s no way out of the darkness or someone blocking me.

No matter how much I value myself others still view me as nothing/not worthy. I will never see a light at the end of my tunnel, this is why the wisest thing for me to do is die.