I really feel somewhat desperate to kill myself right now… but I know I won’t… Often times I think about hanging myself or electrocution. I never follow through though. Sometimes I want to be alone yet I crave to be understood and not be so god damn alone…. Idk I do have some friends but I have the most trouble reaching out to people. I honestly believe they wouldnt understand what I’m going through or what I’ve gone through……… I just hope I can keep going and living…. I’ve come to several conclusions to help myself but I never tried them. 1) help someone else in need to understand their pain and to center my thoughts less on myself and 2) try to reach out to people…..
So far I hope I can at least help someone and maybe make a difference in their life… But then again idk, often times idk what to do and where to go…….. I feel completely lost. I don’t even like myself or who I am. I watch porn, I complain too much, I’m out of shape, I have a disease that’s changed my life…. I want so badly to be loved and to be better than who i am. These goals are out of reach for me in this stage of my life…..
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If you REALLY want to live, force yourself to participate more in the world. Do things you ordinarily wouldn’t do. Put yourself out there and if you get known down, rejected, or hurt, pick yourself up and brush it off.
On the other hand, you always have the right to end it all. I tried once last year by trying to stab myself in the throat with a knife. Believe it or not, but I tried with all my might to make the knife go through (and it was a sharp knife) and the worst that happened was a little reddening on the skin. I guess it takes a lot of will to hurt yourself that way. People who succeed at suicide inspire me, though. If I ever get the guts, I’ll try partial hanging and hope I never have to try again…