My Heart’s Cries

I was always more afraid of going numb and not caring than I was of my past and the pain. Though, I can’t cope tonight. I don’t feel anything. No emotion. I don’t even hear the voice in my head like I always do. I can’t think about living or dying.They have become one and the same. I have no preference. I’ve cut and I can’t feel it. I see is the blood but it doesn’t bring me any satisfaction or pleasure. I can’t breathe right. I think I drank too much with those pills for once. It feels like I am just shutting down, like I am dying. But I don’t want to go now. Even with no hope or reasons to live something is screaming at me to fight so I can stay. So now, Isn’t it ironic that I might die the night I chose to live?….. All I really want is peace. I want it to be over so that I don’t ever have to feel those emotions or think of those horrid memories again. I see people around me happy and living life with family and friends by their side. I want that. I want to stay but here I am slowly fading away. My body has made the choice, my mind is already on its way out. The only thing left is my shattered heart restricted by my body and all these emotions. It is screaming no, yelling so loud trying to wake the rest of me up. It is the only part of me that fears the unknown darkness, the rest of me welcomes it………….