Its been so long since Ive been happy. Day in and day out I yearn to just bleed, to let it out, to let go. All the pain of my life. Some 30 years of nothing but disappointments and pain. They say that the only thing that life promises is suffering. I say they are right. Its a sick twisted world that I have chosen to bring children into. I met the love of my life and now I dont even care if it all ends. He cant even be enough to keep me here. We have a baby. Its still not enough. What I endure daily is what people spend a lifetime building up.
I have been sick for months. It was only last year that I stayed sick. I dont get through one illness before I get another. Now I have to be taken care of. Never in my life have I needed anyone and now I cant stand it. Its not needing him that kills me, its that I cant do it myself. I cant take care of my own family anymore. What use am I here in this pathetic ill-equipped body?
Every day is exactly the same. I try to fake it, hoping the routine will eventually brainwash me into being happy or at the least being able to stand myself again. We bought this big nice house only for me to hate being a shut in now. Nothing stays clean, nothing makes me happy. Everywhere I turn there is more of my inadequacy showing.
Im so hateful. I hate so much. I hate him. I hate them. I hate life. I hate God. I hate the world and everyone in it. I hate myself. As much as I want to be better, I refuse to pray anymore. Fuck the God that done this to me, that allowed this shit to happen. I deserve so much better than the life I got. I have came so far from the lot I got dealt. I could do anything if I wanted to keep going. No, I dont want to keep going. I want to implode, I want to let the suffering just sink into itself, burn right through me, let the hate eat my soul away. Im tired of being turned inside out, trying to find my way out of this shit hole maze.
4 comments
shit hole maze is right- mine is an ever ending circle!
you are living a painful death right now, that much is clear
how old is your baby? have you considered postpartum? if you had a prior history of anxiety and depression, the hormones involved with pregnancy/birth will send you over the edge!
other than your husband is there anyone else you can get support from?
keep reaching out, vent vent vent and try not to isolate yourself too much, you know cRaZy shit goes on in our heads if we’ve been alone with ourselves for too long… yikes!!
take care-
christ eh… when you say fuck god. trust me i know… fuck god if he could allow any of this bullshit to happen. the hate you feel is a burning rage i know intimately. know it all too well. it will eat you up inside unless you talk to somebody and let it all out…
I feel you I have a baby too and what sickens me is that i love her so much but i still want to be gone. the worls would be a better place for her if i was not here.
no way… how can anyone love your baby more than you? i imagine you feel this way for a reason, you didn’t choose to feel horrible- something brought you here and just cause your a mom doesn’t mean you lose the right to feel like shit and want to die… if anything, you’re under more pressure than non-moms so feelings of depression or whatever are only exacerbated —
i really, truly, deeply believe your baby’s world would not be better without you…