Still in pain all this time later

I am a pessimist, I’ve always been that way ever since I can remember. I am that way because of my personal life experiences and some times its hard to look beyond that. How can I have hope that things will be better for me if in my life I’m only destined to reach a certain level of happiness. Maybe this doesn’t make any real sense but its what i’ve been thinking lately and how I kind of feel. I’m sad a lot, sadness that I haven’t felt for a long while. And it’s not over anything in particular really, I just feel sad and I constantly cry. And while I cry my mind tries to justify it and I pick any reason. Like yesterday I was crying when I smelled the air outside so I told myself that it was because I missed my ex. And I sat there and thought about it, I don’t miss him I miss the friendship we had long ago. The truth is I’m not really sad about it I’m over it. I feel so much happier without him than I did when I was with him and I sincerely mean that. I had 2 relationships my whole life 1 that was long term and for love and the 2 that was short term and for companionship. Neither worked so I feel like relationships are truly pointless. But what do I know right? I feel a sadness that eats away at me and I have no idea how to make it stop. The first thing I feel when I open my eyes in the morning is this sadness and it lingers. I hate it I swear I’ve spent the last two years trying to improve my life I try to be more positive and yet I feel like I can’t ever escape. All these years all these efforts to be better, happier only to end up here feeling this sadness.