I keep thinking about going to therapy again… it never helped me before though… I dont know what to do… i dont exactly have cash on hand for an appointment… Admit myself back into a hospital???… ive never been with a bunch of other adults though… just adolescents… im too terrified of the adults there… would i have to stay for a really long time??? how much would i have to pay for it??? is it even worth it at all??? a knife or water can end it all much faster for me with little to no major pain… id be free, well, sort of… would i see her when i died??? is heaven real??? im not really too concerned of where i go after i die… so long as i dont feel anything… i dont want to feel, hear, see, breathe… I just want to be gone from here…
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Personally I’m not very fond of the idea of therapy. It feels like they’re just doing their job, and they don’t really care about helping you. And they don’t try to fix you by offering valuable advice like they should, they just give you drugs >_> Or so it seems, I’ve never tried it. But my sister has, and still is, and it hasn’t done anything for her. She did get better though, but because time healed her.
I think time is the only cure for depression. That’s why I’m just waiting… waiting for something to come into my life that will get me back on the right track. Waiting until I see something worth smiling for.
time needs to either hurry up or completely end for me then… the longer i wait, the worse i get it seems…
I totally know the feeling. That’s the hardest part about it, because I can’t stand waiting a second longer, I just want it to end now, it’s killing me. But then I know that if I just hold on a little longer, this will soon be the past. But then that’s where the torture of hope comes in. Hoping that maybe tomorrow will be the day. But tomorrow just keeps coming and coming. And even after it’s been years, I still keep hoping for that tomorrow. I’m growing weaker the more I wait, but I know that it will pay off in the long run so I am just trying my best to stay strong. Right now my goal isn’t even to be happy, it’s just to stay alive until time decides when it will heal me.
And whenever I feel like I can’t wait any longer and decide to give up, I tell myself. “Okay, I will let myself give up and just end this all. However, only if I wait 30 days first. After a month, then I will end it.” But then a month goes by and I’m not as week as I was previously, and I once again gather the strength to keep holding on.
I just found a therapist, I hope I get a better result. Truth is only reason I dont cave in and end it is because
1. Im scared
2. I dont actually want to die. I just want to stop hurting.
I hear you. Its like if it doesnt stop you have to stop it somehow. If I weren’t so scared id be gone already.