Loneliness is the worst part of all of this. I feel like no one truly knows me, like I can’t be truly honest to anyone. My family knows some parts of me, the only guy I’d call a real friend knows some other parts, you guys know still other things about me and there’s stuff that no one knows. There’s things I can only talk about with my family, some things only with my friends, some things only via SP and some things I can’t tell anyone. It’s like my personality is split in many parts, and whoever I am depends on who I am with. I feel like the only time I’m truly myself is when I’m alone because there’s only my thoughts and me and no kind of constraints.
When I had those meetings with the psychological counselor it was different, cause there was almost nothing I couldn’t talk about. It felt great to just get everything off my mind even though it technically didn’t solve any of the problems I’m facing. I haven’t seen her for a couple of months though, she thinks I started an actual therapy which I didn’t. Not sure if I should get another appointment with her again, she always tried to tackle the roots of my problems – which of course is her job, but there is nothing she can do about those particular things. She didn’t fully understand just being able to open up to someone and not having to fear to be judged was a great relief already, it took a lot of stress of my mind. Maybe I didn’t express that enough.
Turns out the girl I’ve been meeting will likely change university later this year and move close to where my family lives. I actually considered going to that university too after school but decided for this one instead. If something will actually develop between us (knowing myself that’s rather unlikely..) I would have the possibility to change uni as well cause we both finish bachelor at the same time (if I don’t fail exams). Might be a stupid decision too, cause you regularly hear of someone who chose his girlfriend over his education, then broke up and wasted his career for nothing. I don’t wanna be like that, but I also don’t want to waste this one-time chance, it’s actually the first time I’ve been close with a girl like that. Anyway, still have a couple of months to decide. And if she just wants to be friends the problem would solve itself.
14 comments
I’d go back to the lady and tell her talking to her helped very much. If it makes you feel better why not start again?
I hope you and girl you’ve met work out. Good luck with it all.
I don’t know whether she actually has the motivation to help me out more. At our last meeting she gave me a couple of phone numbers of professional psychologists who I should call. Haven’t done that though yet. Actually I was feeling better in the last few months, but it’s coming back now for various reasons.
You can always call her and explain that. Things got better so you didn’t contact the people she recommended. Now its coming back and you’d prefer to talk to her if possible. Worst case she says no. Best case you resume talks. Worth the chance?
I will call her this week 🙂 Takes another 2 – 3 weeks though till she has time for an appointment..
You could always talk to God. He might just be an imaginary character, but communicating with invisible friends does help people sometimes.
Yeah I do pray every night before going to bed, and it helps me, but unfortunately it doesn’t feel like talking to another human being, especially because I’m not 100% sure about my faith.
What’s stopping you from talking to one of us about the things that bother you? This is a judgment-free zone, isn’t it? In this space you have anonymity and people who are willing to listen. Sometimes all you need to get through a tough time is someone to vent to.
I do come here every now and then and comment or post and it feels good as well, but it can’t be compared to talking to someone in person. I like that people here usually are really friendly and try to help out, but even here there are things I can’t say because I know for certain I’d be judged. I email someone from here regularly, too, which is nice because it’s more on a personal level.
I don’t think changing uni would be equal to throwing away your career… maybe it’s more accurate to say you’ll be making adjustments. Either way, if you do, go all the way, i made some stupid decisions a couple of years ago (left a job, didn’t move cities to find another) and i’m pretty sure that it prolonged the relationship i had, but when the time came for change again and i didn’t took similar action (moving) i was dumped and left with a huge hole both in my heart and in my work experience 😀 haha (and that prevents me from finding a decent job… and from ever trusting in anyone again).
As for the counselor thing why not go again? if it helped and you tell her surely she’ll be glad to see you (that’s her work). At times being able to be “complete” as you call it is needed… “dividing” yourself all the time really wears you out in the long run and you end up feeling even more alone (i do the same). Other than that i can only say good luck with everything, it would be great if things work out for you.
Yeah you’re right, but still changing uni would pose a risk and a lot of change. I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out for you as you’ve wished.
I might make an appointment with her soon again, maybe she even has some insight into what I should do about that girl. The problem is the ‘me’ that’s interacting with the girl is still another me, and every time two of those me-worlds collide it makes me really uncomfortable cause I don’t know whether to behave one way or the other. Actually I want her to get to know the real me, not another mask, but that’s easier said than done.
In part that mask is also part of who you are, so i don’t think she’s not meeting the real you. We all have several parts of ourselves and everyone (even non depressed people) don’t show all at once when meeting new people. Imagine a world where everyone would act like they are deep down inside all the time… that might sound like utopia but… god, if i really think abut it it would be a freaking world war 3 waiting to happen, lol. Give it time and when you least expect it she’ll know you even more than you think, hehe. Good luck 🙂
Thanks, I hope you’re right! I only see her once a week though for an hour or so, hopefully that’s enough. Don’t wanna pressure her into more meet-ups cause I don’t know whether she’d actually like that.
If something helps, stick with it. It’s hard to find things that help sometimes when you are like this so when you do, try to keep at it. Of course if you move to change universities, you may not have that option anymore.
Maybe spend the next couple months going back to the counselor as well as spending whatever time you can with the girl you’ve been meeting. Perhaps talking with the counselor will give you the confidence to continue to grow the relationship with the girl and maybe it will turn into something – at least that sounds like it would give it the best chance to make that happen over the next few months.
You can then see if following her to the other university seems like it would be a good idea in the meantime.
Whatever the case, I wish you the best.
Thanks, you’re right. I shouldn’t give up on things that make me feel better. There’s so few happy moments in this world that we better cherish the few we get. Actually I didn’t think about it that way yet.