It has been 11 months since I got cheated on the day before my birthday. I made a date with the weekend of the 4th of april; I just need to book the hotel.. so far all my plans were about being silent, calm, alone so that my body would be discovered only by the amount of concern people have for me.
Now, I plan to jump down from the highest hotel this city has to offer me with enough pills to make sure that I will be K.O. during the free fall…
The reason? Partly the fact that this girl cheated on me over and over again… the other part is simply because humans are shit; I no longer care about them and live by the rule that at least 80% of humanity deserves to die; I am part of this 80%… I want a lot of good for this world but am furious with the fact that I live among so many people who remain quiet when it matters and thus accept the way of living provided to them.
I cannot accept this way, I speak up and am alone because of it.. I feel disconnected from this world… emotionally I almost always have been alone; people who spoke they care about me had a paycheck or other motivations to act out as a good person to the public.
Right now I consider the world to be a shit that does not change as quick as I want it too… I am now 27 and without me this world has become worse than when I was first born; we have internet, computers and entertainment but that is really all this world has to offer; something that could change everything yet it has not changed enough in the years that I consider to needed amount to bring change; because of this and the fact that when I speak up people regard me an idiot as I attack their way of life… even the person that I love.
So now my plan is to become “fine” within 1 month, which was 4 months when i originally made it… and if not to jump from the highest hotel this city has to offer; maybe get some drugs that this world has to offer and try them but ultimately I should jump; I decided on weed, alcohol and frontin…this combination should be enough plus I how bad it really be to fall for 3-6 seconds?
Unfortunately I have good friends but somehow consider this girl to be more special then anything I am still not sure if she is nice or that I just put her above several pedestals.
For a while I did not hurt myself; but today is the first time i both cutted, burned and punched myself.. normally I only do the latter; I have a scar hidden by hair where my skin ruptured from the damage I brought to myself in December; this was before I told my girlfriend (at that time ex and now again ex) that she needs to be sure of getting together and commit herself to this because I cannot handle it… from the start that we got back together she was not committed and this had as result that we broke up because I was distant because I was busy getting high and trying to feel okay….
I hate her, I love her, I want to see her death, I want to see her happy…. I am in an internal struggle with myself that cannot be won…. what to do?
17 comments
Humans are indeed shit.
But i wouldn’t say 80% deserve to die. There’s a bunch of okayish… and some rare nice ones.
I doubt you’re did anything to deserve death.
The way the world works.. that’s a bit of a difficult topic.
Personally i wouldn’t even bother. The world will stay messed up at the end, no matter what, so i wouldn’t say it’s worth to bother.
Change… There’s always change. Not always good change though.
Internet, computers. Everything could be a lot more useful and a lot more ‘good’, but people always ruin things.
The girl you speak of doesn’t sound like she’s worth your time.
If she couldn’t commit and cheated on you, more than once even, then she’s really not worth spending any more time even thinking about.
You can find someone better as time passes.
From my own personal point of view; You shouldn’t really bother this much with the world and how badly it’s messed up.
Insted you should worry and work towards setting your own life and things in it to fit your needs.
This world is far too messed up and has crazy people everywhere, it will take far too much effort and time, and even in the rare case you manage to make the smallest change, it wouldn’t even last long.
munckin , first I’d like to say I like DuZo reply. “The way the world works.. that’s a bit of a difficult topic.” indeed it seems so complex but it’s not, it’s simple, look at the reality, use your common sense, what are humans? we are the highest life form that’s evolved from the planet, we rose from the slim and the muck, through evolution, we are a species, like a dinosaur, a cockroach, a dog, a bird, and so on, we are not the chosen ones, we are not special, we are the highest most dangerous of all “Predators” because we have over the years have the ability to think, to invent, to create and dream, we are smart next to other living creatures, and we are still there offspring , we are the top of the food change “Predators” we use to be in the beginning the other predators till we got smart, and figured out how to kill them! out wit them, now we have the ability to raise them for consumption, example, we raise 10 billion chickens a year and slaughter them wholesale, so we can survive, that’s just one little thing we can do, isn’t it wonderful? then we can make up gods , religions, to justify our cruelty to other living creatures in order to survive, “SURVIVE” KEY WORD! because we are “Predators” kill or be killed! does that make us bad? in reality it doesn’t, that’s our function from the moment we took our first breath, we kill each other, we steal from each other, survival of the fitness , we have evolved, but like it or not human beings are “Predators” , sorry this is taking so long, but honestly this is the short version 🙂 I myself hate being a human being a “Predator” I’ve done everything I can to ignore it, but atlas it came to me, all the wondering and excuses finally came to an end, I accept what I am, I don’t like it, but it is what it is. the world is full of crazy people I’m one of them, everybody is crazy! now this is the situation, you can kill yourself because other human beings aren’t perfect no one is and never will be, or you can choose to live with reality and not expect more from other human beings , nothing we do or say will make a difference on this planet, we will be destroyed eventually, sucked into the sun and everything will be burned up, I say enjoy your life long as you can, you can do that if you figure out what’s really going on, accept it, turn a blind eye, do the things you want to do, think of yourself, you will always be surrounded by crazy “Predators” you will die just like me one day, and return to be apart of the universe, to evolve into a part of the big picture, incidentally jump off a building? no thanks! helium hood is the only way to go 🙂
What you describe might be a simple concept, but that’s only the beginning of the beginning and even then that’s not the whole story.
I assumed he meant today’s life and the way people act, so yes that part of the story is a difficult topic.
But he’s speaking generally so i’m not really too sure.
I mean in the sense as you wrote, but that many fail to accept this and also to protect themselves and others from it… now I decided to see if I can be happy with caring less to figure out if that might perhaps be the trick… the 80% originates from this, maybe not death for all but a partial re-education; if I could stop what I considered faulty in me then I would not mind staying on this earth….
I feel as if I lost my mind, I cannot trust anyone in my current state.. this thought is heavy on my heart.. because of this I cannot connect with new persons and move on from this girl in thoughts and in the commitment that I feel towards her. I have been with other people after a few of our many break ups and with all people whom I could talk with better than as with my ex. But that only stopped because of the cheating; in the beginning I was able to connect much better then when it went bad.
I took medicine after the initial cheating to put me to sleep… as I was not able to handle the thoughts that felt forcefully placed in my head. But also started the habit of smoking several grams of weed a day pretty soon after as it made me calm, but still responsive (I first needed only 1/4 then it became a few) whenever I recovered from the trauma there would be another guy and thus I went from a few to several a day.
I tried my own version of the helium bag; but was doing it half assed – I made a real attempt when I was 19 with chloroform in an attempt to put me either in coma or death (coma seemed funny to me at the time as it would had perhaps brought light upon some details to the public) so at the time I did not expect to wake up nor find my backup bottle to have gone dry somehow in the 2 weeks time that I bought it.
Today was the first time that I said that maybe I should accept that this chapter is really over; but it is an never ending story if we keep contact so this decision means I would have to never see her again… this is so bad, even with the things that happened… I really want her to be happy yet at the same time I feel so much discontent towards her.
What exactly do you consider faulty in you?
Everything can be worked on and if it really does bother you that much you can change it, even if it won’t be so easy at first.
I always say it’s a good thing to be careful who you trust, regardless of anything.
But just because someone doesn’t seem trustworthy at first doesn’t mean they are completely or that you can’t still try and see if they’re worth it later on.
I know it’s hard to get over your ex especially if she was the only one you can really open up to, but there’s a lot of different people out there, you might still meet and get to know someone with the same points of view you have.
If things between you and her can’t be fixed anymore, it’s not worth wasting more of your mental energy thinking about her.
You’ll meet plenty of other people, different people, later on. And you never know.
What is wrong with me is that I cannot ignore and be happy.
I hurt myself. I do not get out of an unhealthy situation and instead still wish to be with the person who is killing my mind and in return I kill my body as this is what I learned to calm my mind – I never needed it during my teens because I had already emotionally disconnected from the people who could hurt me.. I am not yet disconnected from my ex..
In December I ruptured the skin of my forehead by smashing it against the bathroom tiles; the scar is hidden by hair and she left me alone to go to a new years eve party; she feels that it is my own fault for this fight as she invited me along, she always ignores the fact that I cannot stand to be surrounded with people because of what happened between us; I see the people in clubs as primitive; I can easily pick up woman and approach them, so many people cannot and see it as something challenging while for me I see it as a child’s game; one that holds no real winner’s even though both man and woman try to play and win it; they all want to be in control. But it depends on how you play it, to not get hurt you play the numbers and ignore the emotional connection… which then makes the entire thing pointless. Thus why I hate these places and the people there; I see it as keeping something bad alive.
I punch myself; I am quite sure that today I have again a concussion this is probably my 30th something since I know her… all self inflicted except for 1.
I cannot focus on work, I cannot focus on life; I love the moment when I think of nothing and can just stare blindly at things without a single emotion or thought. I am good at what I do so it is never an issue; I can be high at work and still function well… I need it sometimes to even start my day… for a while the happiest moment was when I woke up, smoked and went back to sleep.. this was how I could sleep 3 hours longer than that I could otherwise.
I tried cutting myself but I do not see how this helps me; the punching numbs me and thus helps.
Alcohol does not nothing except for fueling my hate and anger; maybe at the point where I cannot walk that it does something which benefits me…
Actually I have spoken with plenty of people; I had plenty of chances to go into a relationship with someone decent; but because of the trust issues I cannot. I am stuck because of this and I cannot change this view because I simply cannot handle to be hurt again.
Yesterday I tried burning myself with a cigarette which hurted but not badly, it is more itchy than painful.
The biggest issue is that I feel I could only be okay if I could have a free for all cage fight with me vs every guy that she did things with while we were together…. I do not want to murder them, but at least once I need to put my fist in their eye socket… which is another part of why I hate the world; unfortunately we live in a society where standing up for yourself is considered bad. You cannot beat up a burglar and you cannot beat up a person who knows the girl has a relationship and is too chicken to admit to your face what he is doing…
AND she all puts the fault for this by saying that I am too attracted for her; all of this pain that I feel has to do with her insecurities; her weaknesses created by her parents, her ex, and I do not know who else had a role…
I hate this girl so much, why am I unable to disconnect my feelings from her!!!
Yes, it’s hard to just ignore everything and move on, but what you’re doing isn’t going to help much either.
Clubs aren’t good places to meet a serious partner, yeah.
I’ve never been to them but yes, from what i see and hear people are only there to play pointless games.
You should really, really stop hurting yourself or looking for ways to do so.
It’s only going to make it worse on you.
Rather you should spend your energy and time trying to change your way of thinking of her, and about the issues you have with new people you meet.
You don’t have to just jump into a relationship again.
You can slowly get to know them and keep them as friends, slowly your trust issues will be less severe as you find out more about them and figure them out.
If you like them and manage to trust them better you can try and get closer to them, if you don’t you can still keep them as friends.
You don’t have to fully trust someone to just keep them around.
I understand the rage you have on her and the guys she betrayed you with, but even if you could have that fight with them or something of that sort, it would be pointless, and a waste of energy. The blame is mostly on her anyway.
I know a band you should listen to, (if you don’t already know them) their called Motionless In White. They’re older, and some newer, talk about the frontman’s struggle to deal with a 7 year relationship of cheating, lies, and yeah. Even some talk about how shitty people are kind of haha when I read this it reminded me of their 3 songs Puppets 1,2, and 3. A few others too, but yu should check them out. If not,
Honestly, if you’re hurtting yourself this much over a girl, you should try working on just letting eachother go. Being in a relationship like that is destructive towards both of you. Hurtting yourself won’t solve your guys’ problems.
The world is a god awful place, but instead of getting upset about it, try making a difference around where you are. Anyone is capable of making a difference in their community
I know this band, personally I like Beartooth better.
DuZo, so true! it’s so………. complicated! I could write a billion pages on the subject, it never can be explain in a short paragraph, you are a kind person, and it’s hard to accept reality, I am kind too!, I’m a good person, I love people, they can not help what they are and neither can I, if you ignore what is really the truth then your doomed to a life of excuses for others actions, the human being over the years has brainwashed himself because the truth is everything we don’t want to hear, we live in good times right now believe or not, it will get much worse, unbelievable worse, I use to just give positive advice, it will be ok! everything will work out! but I was lying and lying to myself, once I accepted what I am and what others are, it became more easier to deal with, I’m not saying all human beings are heartless they are not, some are some aren’t, but you can never remove the natural instinct that inside us, we are what we are, we like hearing bad news, makes us feel better some one else has it worse, look at the news very little is said about good things, the entertainment is about the bad things, we thrive on it, feed the Christians to the lions, kill the Jews! make slaves of inferior races, anything to make us feel better and superior to others, a little of that is in all of us, the good news is we will die and become harmless, no more legends in our own minds, an evolve into something new, a part of the big picture, I love and I care but that’s all I can do, I can’t transform human beings into non predators, I eat chicken to, 🙂 I love this subject, because the truth sets me free, bad or good, I want him to live, I don’t want him to torcher himself living in a fairytale world , we can’t help why human beings do the things they do, but we can try to be kind and understand why and not be resentful, if your going to live then do your best not to harm others or yourself, so when the curtain does come down, you can pull the sheets over your toes and say I although the odds were against me I tried.
Just for the record, I hate people, and i am not a kind person.
I never said you should ignore what people are. I said you should accept it and plan according to it, insted of trying to fight against it or change it.
Good, bad, worse… it’s all a matter of how you look at things.
A lot of good things can be bad too, and a lot of bad can be good.
If the world explodes tomorow and everyone dies it’s something very good in my view.
aw! DuZo,
you are a good person, a kind person, you just know what’s really going on and you don’t like it, you resent it, as I do. try not to turn to the dark side, accept it and it will all work out like it or not.
I wouldn’t really say i am, but as you wish 😛
This post isn’t about me at any rate.
As long as anyone’s who is struggling with this sort of things just thinks smaller and works on having their own life in a way they feel comfortable, at least for a first, it’s much less stressful.
And if you’re aiming that far- yes, everything works out eventually. But that’s regardless of anything you do, bad good or neutral.
There’s a lot of things out there that have a lot to them, many different points to consider and think about and (try to) understand.
Thinking about it too much or trying to change the world will end up stressing you out too much and causing you to lose your mind.
.. But well. As i said it all depends.
So you can basically argue with/about everything.
DuZo,
we think a lot a like:) your so right! I just gave up on trying to figure it out, and that’s the trick! if it quakes like a duck and it looks like a duck, it’s probably a duck 🙂
Yeah.. trying to figure it all out, heck, just thinking about it all for a while is way too tiring and depressing.
Hm. I don’t really like ducks.
I mean in the sense as you wrote, but that many fail to accept this and also to protect themselves and others from it… now I decided to see if I can be happy with caring less to figure out if that might perhaps be the trick… the 80% originates from this, maybe not death for all but a partial re-education; if I could stop what I considered faulty in me then I would not mind staying on this earth….
I feel as if I lost my mind, I cannot trust anyone in my current state.. this thought is heavy on my heart.. because of this I cannot connect with new persons and move on from this girl in thoughts and in the commitment that I feel towards her. I have been with other people after a few of our many break ups and with all people whom I could talk with better than as with my ex. But that only stopped because of the cheating; in the beginning I was able to connect much better then when it went bad.
I took medicine after the initial cheating to put me to sleep… as I was not able to handle the thoughts that felt forcefully placed in my head. But also started the habit of smoking several grams of weed a day pretty soon after as it made me calm, but still responsive (I first needed only 1/4 then it became a few) whenever I recovered from the trauma there would be another guy and thus I went from a few to several a day.
I tried my own version of the helium bag; but was doing it half assed – I made a real attempt when I was 19 with chloroform in an attempt to put me either in coma or death (coma seemed funny to me at the time as it would had perhaps brought light upon some details to the public) so at the time I did not expect to wake up nor find my backup bottle to have gone dry somehow in the 2 weeks time that I bought it.
Today was the first time that I said that maybe I should accept that this chapter is really over; but it is an never ending story if we keep contact so this decision means I would have to never see her again… this is so bad, even with the things that happened… I really want her to be happy yet at the same time I feel so much discontent towards her.
2 more weeks… not looking more positive as when i wrote this