Doesn’t Feel Right

I really don’t feel right posting to something like this. I’ve been in a mood like this many times before, and it’s always completely unsolicited. I have no reason to be depressed – it just happens. I’ve considered reaching out for help or something like that but every time I search up something like this, I see all these stories about people who have serious issues in their lives – child abuse and horrible things like that. I don’t have anything like that at all. The only “circumstantial” reason for my depression is loneliness, which is completely caused by myself. I think I’ve recently gotten to the point where I’ve realized that since my depression is in no way circumstantial, there’s no way to really fix it, and suicide just becomes more and more appealing. There’s something fundamentally wrong with me, and crying out to some anonymous website like this isn’t going to help. Like I said, from a pragmatic view, there is nothing at all wrong with me. I don’t know. I thought I might as well put this here. I’m too much of a coward to actually kill myself anyway. To be honest I’m just nervous about posting this here. I feel like it doesn’t really fit in.

I don’t know if this is an appropriate place to ask any kinds of questions, as I guess this is kind of a rant, but I’ve never actually talked to anyone about this. I think one of the biggest questions I have is whether there actually is anything wrong with me. I’m half convinced I’m just being a wimp about everything. I don’t have “depression,” at least to any degree that anybody else doesn’t. Everyone has their own problems, and I’m just too weak to deal with them or something. And I mean if that’s the case, why shouldn’t I kill myself? I’ve always tried to self-diagnose myself, and I’ve realized this is because I’m looking for a cure or something. Like maybe if I get labeled “suicidal” they’ll give me magic pills or therapy to make things better… but there isn’t anything like that. I mean I feel selfish even complaining about these things here. I don’t have problems like a lot of the people here do. And yet I’m complaining just as much. And I fall into this pit of self-loathing and self-pity on a pretty routine basis. I’m afraid to say this because I feel like it’s against the website’s policies, but I honestly feel like I might as well kill myself. The only reason I don’t is out of fear, which is not the proper motivation for anything.

My thoughts here are really disorganized because I have trouble thinking when I get like this. But back to the”question” thing I brought up – the one question I have, if anyone is willing to answer is this: does anybody feel like this? Like there’s nothing wrong with you at all, and because of that, you feel like it’s your duty to kill yourself? Since there’s no way for you to be productive anyway? I know I haven’t properly explained anything here. I guess I am just complaining again, to no avail. But it might do some sort of good to find some anonymous person to sympathize with. I don’t know though.