Drowning

I lye in bed and stare up at the ceiling as the weight of every mistake I’ve ever made comes to rest on my chest. Right now, I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m drowning. I miss people that I should just forget. I forget the people that I should have clung to. My heart breaks as I think about all of the things I’ve let go of simply because I thought I could do better. Now I’m here in the grave that I’ve slowly managed to dig for myself because I traded people off until I had No one. I gave things away until in had nothing. I’ve put myself here. And for what? I love my mom. I like my job. I tolerate college because I like that I actually have a chance at a bright and beautiful future. But it never feels worth it because there’s always this emptiness that nothing can fill. It constantly threatens to drag me down and it will eventually succeed. Am I ungrateful? Am I stupid? Why the hell am I not happy? Why do I feel so abandoned and alone? I shouldn’t.. I have no right. Even now, my heart feels hollow and I feel ridiculous for feeling any of this. What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t it ever stop?