I have been visiting this site for a couple months now, never registering and just using it as a tool to feel relatable to someone..anyone anymore. Though I didn’t post, I came to know a lot of the regulars through their posts and took solace vicariously, as the problems others listed with depression mimicked mine. Anyway…
The depression I’ve spun into has become worse. I had a long term relationship (7 years) end and a lot of it was my fault. I had everything I wanted once and I squandered it. To make matters worse, booze and drugs had become my outlet to cope. This would stifle the depression only for short periods of time. The depression now grows worse…I’m in between jobs, my plans to move out of state for a fresh start were abruptly ruined, and I feel utterly useless. I never defined myself through work and hated the idea of people who did…when someone said, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” The only thing I could see was her. She gave me such motivation to derive strength on my own. But what is the point now? If I can screw up something that defined my life so positively and the bond that I had with her…it just gave meaning to my day. I don’t thrive on work or materialism, I don’t get passionate about work. I enjoy people, particularly people when they are off work and not drones. I used to make 6 figures and was miserable most times while doing it. She showed me the way I needed to look at life and I quit that job immediately when I realized she was right, even though we were split at the time. The most amazing , empathetic person I’ve ever met…and somehow I still ended up just driving her away.
I want to be strong. I want to not fall back on bad vices to cope. I have friends and family that care for me…but this depression is really getting terrible. Every time I try to pick myself up, it just slaps me in the face again…and it feels like I’m bleeding within and I just wear this mask for everyone…half because I don’t want to burden them with my sadness and half because I feel so much guilt about taking someone I cherished so much for granted that I feel this is due punishment. But the longer this festers, the more I fear it will drive me to my grave. I don’t believe in anti-anxiety or depression meds. I don’t want to hurt my family or those around me with my death…and for now, that keeps me alive. But I don’t know if that will change. This silent hemmoraging has shown no sign of stopping or letting up. She was my future, my life, and the best parts of me only ever showed through my personality because I knew her. Its not a temporary thing either…or a ‘time will heal all’ scenario. Its been several months and the pain is just getting stronger.
2 comments
You could try and win her back.
You say it’s your fault, so it means you’re willing to admit the mistakes you made.
I’m sure it’s painful for her too, especially since you two been together for a long time, and if you try and make it up to her and admit you did wrong and you want a second chance i’m sure she will consider it.
Whatever the reason you two broke up might have been, i’m sure there’s still hope you can get her back.
Have you talked to her since the break up? You might have to start over with her but it can work out. 7 years is a long time to be with someone, see what you can do to get her back or to at least show her how much you love and want her.