Last night as I started to go to sleep I felt fear. It was odd because I had spent an hour on the phone with a good friend. I think the contrast of my talk with her and my empty apt and life was too much for me. I finally journaled about it and that helped some. But it was late and I was still awake- again for the umpteen time.
Finally I realized something. I was fighting control. Control of my emotions, control of sleeplessness. Fighting the feeling I am not whole, never will be. And maybe half dozen other active fears. :-< As I came to this conclusion, I am curled up around my pillow and a blanket with my comforter behind me, kind of like a cocoon. And this is what I thought:
I don’t have control over so much in my life. But I do have control over having compassion for myself and acceptance for what I am going through.
Now, tonight it started again… I over ate some “bargain” sweets (read on clearance bakery rack). Started to feel the overtiredness of my day and sleepiness… and the fear came back. I am glad I could reach out to my crisis line. But….
But why can’t it just dissipate?? I hate the out of control feelings- where is the comfort in acceptance that I felt last night??
So I come to the conclusion… part of the acceptance is in not accepting it all- over and over again. And learning that is okay.
6 comments
holy fuck i feel this… the epitome of helplessness and absolutely no control over anything!!
I wish you didn’t! Take great care of you Killswitchon.
How does it ever feel okay though? I can accept that I am just a sad person. I can accept some of the other problems like some of the things that probably make me seem like a freak to other people. I can accept these things. But how does one ever feel okay when they feel like no one else will ever accept those things? How does one feel okay when they then know that then must mean that they shouldn’t accept the things that they feel they could accept because others won’t?
And when you do talk to anyone that you feel every second you are going to drive them away because there is nothing in you worth keeping them around? I don’t think I can feel okay. It just keeps getting worse. The depression. The anxiety. The OCD. The isolation and despair. I don’t think it will ever be okay. I can seem okay at times, but I use so much energy just holding myself together.
I had a friend. A great friend, but like all my close friends, it fell apart and we aren’t friends like we were. In fact, we barely talk and that person seems to have no interest in keeping in contact. Most of that was my fault, but wishing for a friendship that used to be doesn’t bring it back.
I started talking to a new person recently who seems really nice but I feel like I will do something to ruin that as well…I feel like I probably already have.
Everyone leaves. Everyone I get close to. Everyone I let in. How can it ever feel okay knowing that? How can it ever feel okay when I feel like I am unraveling faster than I can hold myself together. Most of the time I feel like it is a mistake to even try.
I’m sorry. I am glad you are finding a way to be okay with things even if you still struggle from time to time. I just don’t know if okay is something I can ever be.
I’m sorry you are experiencing loss of your friend and feeling so lonely. The feeling you drive people away is a feeling (as you describe it). Even if you do so, there are always two sides to an argument. Plus, your depression, anxiety, etc is the part of you that may push people away. It is hard to be open with people if you experience loss and rejection regularly. Please have compassion for YOU in regards to all of this. We don’t learn how to communicate and treat others in isolation- you were taught by your family what they expected and the way they may have treated you could have caused confusion and misunderstandings about how to relate to others.
You are a good kind person. I know you love your mom and care how she would hurt without you. It is important to remember this AND to remember the person you would hurt the most- YOU. You deserve to be happy and I truly believe you can.
Acceptance comes in truly baby steps. Start by seeing you, behind your feelings. You are not your feelings. You are a unique, one of a kind person who has talents and gifts the world needs. You don’t know that because of how you grew up, without someone to treat you well, acknowledging your value, it is hard to see it!!
Hold on and keep going through. I have faced this for too many years. But you know what? My depression helped me to survive. Without the depression I would not have been able to face what I did. It was a protection that is hard to get rid of.
Most of all learn to take better care of you. Find things that please you.
((((Copelessness))))
P.S…
How do we accept what is unacceptable?
I used to believe it was not right to accept my faults. Accept? No! If I accept then I will never change. Have to change ALL OF ME was my line of thought.
But the more I didn’t accept my bad behavior, the more that bad behavior (or feeling or self-defeating attitude, etc) became ingrained and caused more problems.
Acknowledge, accept the behavior, feeling or attitude as okay to have. Because a feeling is not to be solved. Our behavior (like what we do when we have that feeling) is to be solved or looked at or talked about, dealt with in a physical or examining it mentally to understand. But the feeling? It is just a great big blob in the middle of the room! 😉
Okay, now my blob of embarrassment for putting a blob on your floor is going to close now- but I am leaving the blob! HA
I aappreciate what you are trying to say and the time you took to say it, but I have no idea what you referring to with some of that, especially the parts concerning how I was raised or that you “know that I love my mom” and some other things there. I’ve never seen confusion used as a method of consolation but I guess it did stop me from dwelling on things for a short time. Sorry, that was a poor attempt at a joke but I’m not very cheery at the moment.