Never spoken out before..

For the past 4-5 years, i’ve smoked an eighth of cannabis a day, every day, of every week. Needless to say, anxiety is something i’ve suffered with from day 1. Going out in public is hell, I generally sweat more than I can handle due to stress, and risk passing out each time I even have to visit the Doc – whom has no idea I’ve ever touched it. I also get extremely, extremely paranoid and self-concious about almost every part of myself, and every choice I make.

The real problem is, I don’t think it ends at anxiety at all, since 1-2 years ago suicide has been on my mind almost permenantly, and have terrible mood swings I’ve never been able to control. I can feel like the happiest person in the world when I wake up, but the second I open the door to the living room, it can change into absolute fury, to the point that all I now own is the laptop, as breaking something of my own is better than something else, or, what scares me – someone else. I don’t know why my mood will change, but it does, and i’ll try my hardest to change that, but just can’t.

From reading up articles on the internet, it seems like I could suffer from Bipolar disorder, or Schizophrenia. Although I don’t hear voices, hallucinate, or anything like that. It all seems to stem down to complete anger at times, for reasons i’ve never known. Obviously – without telling my Doctor i’ll never actually know or be able to, but I’ve never been a person for talking sensetively. I’ve tried before, but the words never seem to come out of my mouth, no matter who I try to tell, it feels weak and disgusting.

I abandoned all of my friends, none of them know about just how much I had smoked, and how much it’d affected me. They just saw me as a ‘lazy stoner’. Telling them was impossible too, no matter how much i’d tried, so i just slowly let it all fade out untill they left me alone.

My biggest fear is if i tell people, they will have to lose out on things because I feel that telling them would mean asking for help, which would surely mean they must feel obliged to help, and I mean, who wants to actually help somone who constantly thinks and treats people the way I do. It seems easier if i can keep others happier by just keeping it to myself, I feel like i’d just be passing a load of shit onto someone to deal with, when in reality, it’s all me. So I keep everything to myself to the point that this is the first anyone will ever read, and will likely be all, as I don’t plan on telling anyone I know.

I actually once tried to hint about the fact I was suicidal while in an argument, telling my mother im going to top myself. She’s epileptic, and takes tablets, so knows what I meant as soon as I said it. She just hidden her tablets and thought I was being a bit of a brat, so I could get cannabis, which wasn’t the point at all, it never has been. Safe to say I felt like shit for making her feel the way she did afterwards, just making sure I never actually tell her.

Suicide doesn’t scare me, if I thought I could do it without any of my family knowing or caring, i’d so in a heartbeart (ironic?). Death never really scared me at all, which in a way scares me at the same time, because I know i’d have no problem in taking somebody elses life. If somebody was to threaten me with a weapon, or really wind me up, i’d have no quarrels in laughing in their face, and then telling them i’m about to literally kill them, and that’s what scares me – knowing I can do that, and not care about the repurcussions.

The problem is, I don’t think my mother or father would cope if i’d just killed myself. I could just leave a note, but what’ll that solve, they’ll still be gutted, and that’s what I dont want.

Suicide is something i’d happily do, I sometimes just see myself as a massive waste of space, I can’t even manage to stop smoking cannabis whatsoever, no matter how hard I’ve tried. I literally feel like I am going cold turkey, from weed, fucking dumb, right?

The only thing stopping me is knowing my mum and dad will suffer because of me afterwards, and that makes everything all the worse, i really wish they wouldn’t care.