Lately, before I go to sleep, I read SP. I don’t do this because I am morbidly curious or just plain nosy, but because it helps me to realize that I am not alone. I don’t often comment (although I want to) because I honestly don’t know what to say. I want to hug you close and feed you comfort food and watch a good movie with you and make it all go away. Really, I should have the words because I work in the medical field and am surrounded by smart, caring and compassionate people every day, but guys…I’m so BAD at knowing what the right thing is. See me? I’m the awkward one over there wearing my crazy pants. (waving) And plus, I can’t fix myself, how can I help anyone else?
For a long time, I thought that I could be happy if I just worked HARDER. So, ok. I read the books and did the things. You know what I’m talking about. Get up and think happy thoughts and DECIDE you’re going to have a good day (check), exercise for a healthier mind and body (check), if you want to find someone to love – write down exactly what you are looking for and it will come to you (have dunnit), listen to upbeat music (haven’t really been able to do that – I listen to country music. Don’t judge. I have to. I live in Alabama. It’s like the state bird or something). It doesn’t work. None of it works. My mind is like, uh, no, sorry, but no. Not today and probably not tomorrow.
I guess what I want to say is that I am sorry you are hurting and I do care. Crazy and messed up, but I honestly wish and hope that things get better for you.
14 comments
Hi Cj, funny coincidence, I’ve been thinking a lot about these things… why does the simple act of being happy require a 200 page instruction manual for some of us? Like you said, we follow a checklist, mechanically, because that’s what they tell us to do, and sometimes it sorta works for a while. But in the end it always seems to fade as if it were as artificial as a beehive hairdo when you’re walking around in the rain. (Like the stupid analogy? I just came up with it)
I agree with “them” that there are certain physiological factors that contribute to depression: lack of sunlight, poor nutrition, lack of exercise, pollution, etc. Sure, the first step to beating any ailment is to stop the conditions that make it thrive. But there’s something much deeper here.
You can’t cure cancer by quitting smoking, even though smoking causes cancer. And so for those of us who are already infected with depression. Well I guess we’re just screwed. Hmm, well I wans’t planning on being such a downer but lookee what happened… Sleep does sound good though [/pathetic attempt to end on a happy note]
Hi Salt – I did like the beehive hairdo analogy..ha! I really have believed my whole life that if I just found the RIGHT instruction manual I could do it. But it’s a lot of work. And it doesn’t seem to last. I guess I don’t understand why if something caused me to be this way (borderline = years and years of family sexual abuse [way TMI, I know and apologize]), why I can’t follow some steps to undo what was done? Or was it because I was born this way? I’m not sure.
And if there is a God, why when a person honestly tries and lives and perseveres – why does He let us continue to suffer? What more is there to be learned?
Oh geez. Sorry. This is a downer, sorry. Just things on my mind.
Thanks for the good thoughts, it really helped me fix a bit of my awful day (fail after fail today). I can relate about reading SP to fell less alone, and it’s something i do daily even if i don’t comment everyday.
As for the what do about life, i think the only thing that eventually works is coming to terms with who/and what you are (hey, everyone is crazy at some degree, even if they don’t wear crazy pants, i wear crazy t-shirts, lol). Along with that (which is not easy and it’s an everyday struggle) finding something that really matters to you and commiting to it works wonders, but keep in mind that when you do something that you love, the hard work doesn’t feel like it, so if it feels like you are busting your ass… maybe you are putting your effort in the wrong thing.
Besides that i don’t know what else can be done about life. I used to think that it’s a fairly complex thing but in the end you can only do your best and make the best of it. Hope things better for you, wish we could all get together for a movie and food like you say! haha.
Thank you. This was strangely uplifting. I live in Wisconsin, and the Packers are the patron saints or something, so I hear you on the country.
I think if there was ever a SP meet-up, it would either be awesome, or we’d all stand around shuffling our feet awkwardly and saying “Um” a lot. 😀
Thank you dear! Thanks for your wish, your hugs, the comfort food, and the good movie.
I also like it when I read SP and feel related and belonging. The scars of the cuts on my thigh started fading. I’m still unhappy but at least I didn’t cry myself to sleep last night. I think I’m not that suicidal now. But I still love reading SP!
I would LOVE to get together for a movie (I’m wearing pajamas, though), but had to laugh at your comment, @impossible_girl – I would definitely be the one being awkward, you can count on it!
SP meet up would end with everybody dead on the floor. Group hanging lol
it could be a lot of fun, everyone could cut tic-tac-toe boards into each other and put an SP spin on it
Ha! Okay, maybe mass gathering of suicidal folks = kind of bad idea.
we could even make corporeal monopoly boards if people were feeling particularly close, Helium Hood Street,, Overdose Boulevard, I-Have-Cancer Road, and instead of jail we have “impale”
******** way” I got dibs on that property.
i’m staking a claim on “I’mNotSuicidalI’mJustWritingABookNowCanSomeoneTellMeHowManyAdvilsMixedWithDrPepperItTakesToDieIn5Minutes” avenue
hahaha and maybe the “myboyfrienddumpedmemylifesucksgradesixfirstworldproblems” crescent
Oh my gods, what did I start? *headdesk*
Though. I’m totally down with a good ‘ol gin and Xanax.