I keep analyzing myself and trying to find a more accurate way of defining what goes on in my head. By definition, It is almost like some violent form of ADHD. There are these sort of sensory gates that feed information to the brain. For someone with ADHD, those gates never close. There is this constant, overwhelming stream of information being fed to the brain at all times. So from what I can tell, (correct me if I’m wrong) a normal train of thought for someone dealing with ADHD could be as follows:
“His foot is tapping her hair is frizzy I wonder what that person is doing how many tiles are in the ceiling one two three fou- oh his foots still tappingtappingtapping these lights are so bright this shirt feels weird what’s in that cup oooo I bet that puppy is soft taptaptap why is the window open who opened it….” so on and so forth in a matter of seconds. Am I right? Or have I misunderstood?
My normal thought process is as follows:
“Motherfuckerstoptappingyourfoot and you You can’t help what’s up with your hair, but it’s irritating me and what the he’ll are you doing why do you keep staring at the damn ceiling it’s not going to open up and eat you.. It might… I hope it does I wanna watch why the fucking Fuck are you still tapping your foot? You got an itch you can’t fucking scratch? I can take care of that for you but be warned it may bruise a little…. A lot…. Fuck these bright ass lights why am I wearing this shit and why is there not food in my hand you little shits suck You all annoy me and I wish I could do something about it I wish the purge was actually a thing because youd be first on my list and I’ve planned your death in great detail God I just want to watch the blood drip from your fucking face see how pretty you are then with your makeup running with it and what he thinks he’s too good for me I’ll fix that when I burn his fucking house down…” all in a matter of seconds and this is a very censored and calm version. Many of the things that run through my mind are things that I will not dare repeat to anyone. Would I act on these desires? No. But I want to. And it sucks to want to. I just wish they’d go away. Or stop for 2 fucking seconds so I can breathe.. I dunno… It seems really stupid, doesn’t it? Its just overwhelming and it’s always there.
8 comments
I have felt extreme drug induced ADHD and it felt like a how laboratory animal must feel when they are injected with experimental drugs.
There is a strong connection between Norepinephrine levels in the central nervous system and ADHD.
You described my ADHD better than I could with the nonviolent description. I get the violent one too sometimes, but it’s more like it’s triggered by having more stress than normal, which just stresses me out more ’cause it makes me feel like a fucking psycho. Normally though, it’s just the first one. I’ don’t know if it would help you at all, but something that used to help me was writing out anything and everything that came to mind for a good half hour or so and then just burn the paper. I think the most therapeutic thing I’ve done before was free climb and once I made it to the top I just turned around and screamed until I could barely breath. I wouldn’t suggest free climbing to anyone with the desire to not be crippled for life, but the screaming part could help if there’s a place you could do it without people freaking out.
Thanks for the tips. I’ll definitely give it a shot.
Uhm. There’s not a thing like “violent ADHD” I think.
Reading your description, even the first one, there’s so much stress in it. ADHD doesn’t have to feel like this -certainly, a person with it will feel like that sometimes, but it means that there’s something more going on-.
Other diseases can make you feel that way, even non-psychological ones. There are plenty of reasons that can make you be more attentive to everything what’s happening around, for example hyperacusis. Have you explained it to a doctor?
I wasn’t saying ‘violent ADHD’ is a thing. I was making a comparison. And no. Fuck that. A doctor will put me on some fucking meds and I’m not about that shit.
You do amazing things with the color red. Like freakin amazing I’ve-never-seen-that-color-before type things. That plus the way you visualize & interpret the world, S6 you need to be making films. Seriously.
On to this mental meltdown thing… Yet again you called it. A million things happening & a million things getting on your nerves all at once. I don’t know much about the clinical definition for ADHD, but in my head it feels more like obsessive compulsive disorder… but towards 1000 things at once. These aren’t just distractions that keep disrupting your train of thought… They’re like 1000 obsessive thoughts all going on at the same time. And I keep obsessing over them long after the moment has passed (“24 hrs later I wonder if that idiot is still tapping his foot!”)
Can you think of anything that helps? Non pills of course, I only take pills when I want to destroy myself. All I can think is if you can find some thought that’s so big it literally squashes all the microscopic annoyances. I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon, but I imagine if I were staring at it I wouldn’t worry so much about whether the guy standing to my left has matching socks…
The only thing I’ve found that really seems to help is writing. I write a lot. Usually not about my issues. Just writing in general. Sometimes that doesn’t even do it. I’ll be so stuck on one thought that I can’t pull myself away from it. I don’t drink or do any kind of drugs, but sometimes I catch myself wondering if that would make me feel better. I know it won’t. Its just a passing thought. But these thoughts make me question everything I thought I knew.
About making films. Maybe I’ll give it a shot. I’ve never tried it. Thanks for the idea.
This looks kind of like a thing I wrote once, so I think ADHD is possible. Only because the squirrels in my head indicate the presence of similar nuts. Now, ADHD is sometimes comparable to antisocial personality disorder due to the impulsive way it can present. It doesn’t mean ADHD people are antisocial, but they’re definitely impulsive and have problems with emotional regulation. It’s all lateral thinking – intuitive and feeling towards a creative, novel solution rather than a linear, propositional one. But that can get lost in all the crazy running thoughts. You had the rabbit trail, you even plotted a course so you could ambush the darned rabbit, but then you forgot the process you used and got lost in the woods somewhere, which is goddamn infuriating. I mean, you HAD it and now you can’t REMEMBER what you HAD or why! Gah, who even cares? There’s some cool stuff that’s pretty over there.