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what happened?

by an_old_child

i used to be a very happy child. i’m still always smiling almost all the time but it’s a fake smile covering my true feelings. this life means nothing to me. and one of the reasons that i hate myself is that my feelings are easily changed so i cannot be sure about what i really feel.

why are we here? isn’t this a bit strange for you? what does life mean? what if i wasn’t born at all? there MUST be some reasons for being here!

i feel i’m in prison. i don’t like to be here. and sometimes i suspect that other people are not real and they are just my imaginations and even they are pretending and this whole life is just a dream. i want to wake up. i find this life too boring and too meaningless to continue. the biggest problem is if i commit suicide what then? what if i go somewhere worse?

and it’s very very silly that our feelings can be easily controlled by drugs and medicines. well i guess that no one can realize what i really mean.

it feels good to type down all these words. i wish for all the people around the world a real smile (if they are real)

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6 comments

DuZo 3/15/2015 - 2:11 pm

Depends what you call real.
Feelings are mostly a bunch of chemicals in your brain, so that’s why they are so easy to mess with with meds i guess.

But that still doesn’t mean they are completely not real.
Even if they change fast, they’re still your feelings.

It is all strange, yeah. As far as i see it, most things just happen simply because they can.
I wouldn’t bother too much with trying to figure the meaning behind things. It will just end up driving you mad.

an_old_child 3/16/2015 - 9:36 am

thank you for paying attention to my words.
the thing that i really cannot understand is “most things just happen simply because they can.” i’ve heard it a lot of time before and i never realized what it means. if it’s just like this, so why (for example) don’t i have a younger sister . well it could be. why she was never born? i don’t know if you understand me. i mean… A LOT OF things could happen but they don’t.
the drawing as your avatar is so lovely by the way. :]

DuZo 3/16/2015 - 4:41 pm

I didn’t want to say too much detail because it’s really depressing sometimes.
But well, most things happen simply because they can, i meant life, being alive, this world, and such.

You could have a sister, but that’s mostly up to your parents. It could happen, but it didn’t. This is mostly about your parents’ choices but even then just because things can happen doesn’t mean they always do.
But this is mostly about bigger stuff.

A lot of things that don’t really have a purpose just happen.
Why we’re here, Life, Earth, the Universe. These big things that just happened because they could happen. As far as i see it they don’t have one single purpose behind being there.
There’s a lot of things, also, that could happen but didn’t.

It’s a huge mess to me, all of this, but that’s just how i see it.

And thanks. I made that avatar myself because i wanted a different picture than default ones. xD

violet5 3/15/2015 - 10:18 pm

I have been told that feelings are real, but they are not always true. Meaning you can feel like all your smiles are fake, but smiling at a cat video online (or whatnot) is a real smile. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. Not all smiles are fake, and you can have joy.

You seem depressed, and unsettled. It is possible to be depressed about dreams not coming true, or not having life work out the way you want it to.

If you do wish smiles to everyone, think of how suicide steals away the smiles of the family of the dead. If someone you love dies, you don’t smile very much for a very long time.

an_old_child 3/16/2015 - 11:27 am

well thank you for the time you gave to post a comment

i agree that some smiles are really true. like the wonderful feeling that fills your heart when you look at someone you love

if i die i won’t be in this world anymore so i won’t be sad because of my loved ones’ sadness and i bet all my friends and my family will forget about me after some time, because death is a real event that will happen to all of us. and if someone i love dies, i would be really happy for them and i won’t cry. (or maybe i will, but anyway the people i truly love are not too much)

anyway it’s really strange when no one feels like you and all the other people almost feel the same (although they’re totally different ). i agree i’m a bit depressed right now but i’ll change very soon (and that’s the most thing that is bothering me!)

an_old_child 3/16/2015 - 11:26 am

well thank you for the time you gave to post a comment

i agree that some smiles are really true. like the wonderful feeling that fills your heart when you look at someone you love

if i die i won’t be in this world anymore so i won’t be sad because of my loved ones’ sadness and i bet all my friends and my family will forget about me after some time, because death is a real event that will happen to all of us. and if someone i love dies, i would be really happy for them and i won’t cry. (or maybe i will, but anyway the people i truly love are not too much)

anyway it’s really strange when no one feels like you and all the other people almost feel the same (although they’re totally different ). i agree i’m a bit depressed right now but i’ll change very soon (and that’s the most thing that is bothering me!)

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