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Alone with my tears

by QuirkyFox

I just joined… Have no one to talk to, so here’s my first vent.

Alone and crying, confused since childhood. I’m addicted to the love I never had. I love the ones who don’t love me back. Im stuck in the pain of rejection- for years. I cry for months. Alone in darkness, silent without music. Music haunts my memories. On the outside I wear a smile and life goes on. I move quickly, work hard and keep going. No one knows how I feel inside. They laugh with me and say ‘you’ll be alright’. But at home I cry, all night. My dreams of love are deep and real it’s my only one true wish. Life has shattered my soul into a thousand pieces. I allowed it to happen, I guess. 



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copelessness 4/5/2015 - 7:18 am

I’m sorry you feel this way. I usually have kind, reassuring words to say but after reading words where so much of it I feel like I could have written myself, I just can’t even think of anything.
I’m sorry.

moonshine 4/5/2015 - 7:41 am

i am sorry too.. but now you have us to talk to

robotmonkey 4/5/2015 - 7:49 am

The only words I can say right now is: You are not alone, just because there are people out there that feel the same way that you do.
I’m also stuck in the pain of rejection all my life. Started with my parents that didn’t give a shit about me and 30 years later that’s what I feel everywhere. I feel that I’m shit in everything I do.
The thing to do (at least is what “they” say) is to not reject yourself. To like yourself and find a way to be with yourself first. But there are some of us that are trying for too many damn time and just can’t do it. I don’t know why, I just know life sucks.

QuirkyFox 4/5/2015 - 7:55 am

Thank you for reading. Im crying still, but I’m smiling through my tears, its good to find people who want to listen. I keep getting hushed up and I can’t keep it in anymore.

killswitchon 4/5/2015 - 8:10 am

You’ll find love. I know it.

jenbrown 4/5/2015 - 9:07 am

you are not alone we are one big family on this site 🙂

AfflictedSmile 4/5/2015 - 9:16 am


You are a beautiful person. I just happened to read your bio and I have also been suffering with (undiagnosed) depression and anxiety since about the same age you stated you felt the onset of depression. You are by far not alone in that category, and as far as dealing with our emotions, I understand. I go through life in similar fashion. Putting on a smile, all the while dying inside. I continue on for more or less the same reasons you do, for the love of others. (family and few friends) And maybe for you it’s different, but the love I have and show to others is seldom if ever reciprocated. I guess what I’m trying to say, and failing horribly at is, there are plenty of us here who can relate on a very real level to what you’re feeling and going through. So don’t give up on yourself.

QuirkyFox 4/5/2015 - 9:27 am

Thank you. Could do with a hug. ^^ I need this right now. I can’t keep putting it on work mates. Counciling makes me feel worse! I’m on Venlaflaxine which helps a lot. But my words need to be heard, so you guys get it. I’m very up and down. I have the highest times and the lowest. I think im an emotional masochist. I love most, those who cause me emotional pain. i know it, but I can’t stop being drawn to them. I’m not talking psychos here, mostly those who are suffering too much themselves to be good for me. I guess I attract people like me… although I do think i could be so good for someone, they never see it like that.

AfflictedSmile 4/5/2015 - 10:22 am


I have extreme highs and lows myself. I understand, believe me. Despite being a guy, my emotions often control my decisions. More than I like to admit. Knowledge should trump emotions. I have made some of the stupidest decisions based on emotions, rather than to rely on what I know. Yesterday was a prime example of how my emotions often control my decisions. I just got released from the hospital, and it was a very emotional experience leaving. I was thrilled to be leaving, don’t get me wrong. However I had been in there 3 days and those three days felt like an eternity. You lose some sense of the real world and time. You can’t sleep for more than 30 minutes to an hour at the most. So when I checked out, it was like I was checking back into the real world. I was trying to come to terms with what I’d been through the last few days. Instead of my parents just being happy I was released, they were irritated I wanted to drive my own car back. (I drove myself to the hospital E.R.) And despite trying to control my emotions, they’re attitude towards me, made me feel that much more emotional and worse. So instead of following them back to their house hoping they could watch after me for a day or so, I left and went home, on my own. I didn’t make it half way home before I broke down crying. Once my emotions broke down and I regained some sense of self, I realized I made a complete ass out of myself. I ‘know’ they meant well, but I have so many highs and lows, I have the hardest time controlling a simple thing as emotions. Which in the end, I suspect will be what drives me to end this life. Not the fact that I know I will probably never get to experience things like true love, happiness, family of my own, etc. I feel like I’m rambling now, but I hope you at least ‘know’ I understand to some degree how you might feel.

QuirkyFox 4/5/2015 - 11:56 am

You are so different to the guys I meet. They are always so cold emotionally. Why don’t you think you’ll ever experience true love for yourself? Love always comes from the most unexpected places. You must be in a bad place after checking out of hospital so soon. It’s great that we can connect with people who understand. I feel you understand me too.I’m sorry your parents reacted like that. I’d like to be there for you. If you want someone to talk to just let me know.

AfflictedSmile 4/5/2015 - 12:30 pm

I wasn’t in a psychiatric (mental) hospital. (Maybe I should have been?) I was there for what I and the doctors initially thought was appendicitis. At least that’s what lead me to the Emergency Room. I had about as many answers as I did questions when I left. As far as love goes? I struggle with my identity a lot. And I just don’t think anyone can love me when I’m not even positive who I am anymore. I often wonder how I’m perceived, viewed and judged by others. Because outside of my inward emotional differences, I don’t feel so much different than the person in line at the grocery store behind me. Yet through interactions with people, and how I ”feel” they view or perceive me. And through that and my past I have concluded I am so much different. And despite my personality and broad spectrum of emotions, I have a part of me that wants to be like normal people. Yet no matter how hard I try to push this square peg in this round slot, it will never fit. And I am that square peg trying to fit into the roundness of normalcy. Or at least what I ”feel” is normal. And that probably makes absolutely no sense, but it’s the best I could come up with? I do not claim my thoughts to be rational. Especially on paper. 😛
Likewise, if you ever need someone to be there and listen or talk to, I’m here.
I’m Jesse. Nice to meet you.

QuirkyFox 4/5/2015 - 1:26 pm

Hey Jesse 🙂 If we were all round pegs life would be so dull! Different people are what makes life interesting. id be so bored with someone who thought the same as every other person, I always strive to be a bit different. Someone told me I was just the same as everyone else recently… I felt very hurt. Being different is a gift.

AfflictedSmile 4/5/2015 - 1:36 pm

You’re absolutely right.

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