I really don’t know why I feel the way I do. My friends are trustworthy people, I have a loving family, hobbies that I love, dreams and ambitions…on paper, nothing seems that bad at all. But for quite a few years now, without anything bad happening, and for no particular reason at all, I’ve been experiencing these very intense bouts of sadness. It’s gets so bad that my body literally becomes numb, and I find it difficult to do much of anything except cry. Sometimes, it even catches me when I’m out in public.
To me, it made sense that I should try to talk to someone about these feelings. To keep it to myself would mean continuing to allow it to feed gluttonously off of my quality of life. Most of the people I’ve approached though have been very callous. They tell me things like, “you’re thinking too negatively. You’re a grown man–you need to suck it up and put your big-boy-pants on. If you’re not happy, then fake it.” It’s so frustrating to hear things like this, because I’ve been forcing myself to put a lot of effort into feeling better. I hike 10 miles a day, paint, write guitar music, eat healthy, read daily affirmations, take meds, talk to therapists… The deluxe package and more. And yet, a lot of the people I’m surrounded by act like I’m supposed to be made of steel, that I’m not allowed to express these things or feel this way because I’m a guy. And guys aren’t supposed to be emotional. Some people even think I’m acting in order to receive attention. I’ve become so concerned with people thinking that way that I’ve been keeping everything to myself again. It makes me feel such a monolithic amount of guilt to feel sad in front of people now. Isolation is becoming quite familiar. If I could do it myself though, I wouldn’t be seeking help in the first place! I don’t know what the hell is happening!
This whole back and forth thing between seeking help and support, and being rejected by others for feeling depressed is making me so exhausted. “You need to find help, but you’re a weak person for doing so. Go find help somewhere else.” How encouraging. I really feel like this is what that Kurt Cobain song, “come as you are” is about. I just don’t know where to put it all anymore! Which is why I’m putting it here. I feel like killing myself, because the stress is too much for me to handle. Im not in any immediate danger of doing so though. I recognize the difference between my emotional mind and my logical mind. Ever feel so angry that you want to punch someone, but you don’t because you know its a bad idea? I’m determined to keep living, but it’s getting so hard. It’s like hanging on to the edge of a cliff. White-knuckles.
Anyway, I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining, and I’m sorry if this annoyed you. I just really, really had to get it out. Thank you so much for listening.