This is my first post on this website, I can’t really relate to a lot of people from this site other than the fact I’m depressed and often suicidal. I think about dieing everyday and what would people think of me if I commit suicide, I know I’m very selfish I have been my whole life, I guess because I was an only child and spoiled growing up,.. We’ll until I turned 18 and I left my parents house and moved out with a friend, I then really had no goals or direction so I started to slang drugs as a runner, with no real morals or ambition to get a career I did that for 9 years, Trust me I’m not proud I was actually embarrassed. I can’t say I was a loner I had a few friends mostly child hood friends and people I worked with and carried with me tell now. My last relationship lasted for 6 years but now have been broken up for 9 months she took everything including the house. I now have a 2 year old boy whom witch I love dearly and since he was born I cleaned up my act for that soul purpose and put that Illegal one behind me. It’s been 3 years and I’m clean of the past that haunts me. I went to school and now have a career as a semi vac operator and various heavy duty operations in the oil and gas industry making very good money. (I’m still sad even with a purpose ) I always thought having money would make me happy but I have come to realize that it doesn’t also I don’t have a problem with women, I am shy but good looking enough that girls approach me and get the attention that I want. Anyways I can ramble on forever id rather not.
long story shorter my mom is very sick and might not live for much longer (she is also my best friend) she lives with me and I’m watching her slowly die and it’s hard cause I have no one. my dad is not much help as he has a different family and no time for my problems, the only other person that is close to me is my ex and were not even on talking terms just Except The days I pick up my son, I swear I’m just a paycheck to her I think. All in all I’m unhappy with my life and don’t want to deal with the next year or even the next 10 in this mundane life of mine. My kids Better off without me, I’m no role model I don’t even think I’m a good dad. I’m not ready to deal with this shit I just want to run away. I’m a coward.
3 comments
am sorry to hear about what your going thru.. here you’l find friends who are willing to listen to ur problms as we all have problms and can understand each other hope u the best in ur future 🙂
It is to your credit that you have pulled yourself together, even if only on the outside. It sounds like you feel pretty alone and isolated, despite being amiable.
Sign yourself up for group therapy. You will be able to express yourself in a non-judgmental environment and connect with others. I recommend group therapy more than individual because building connections would be very beneficial for you. Individual therapy will also help, but if you can only do one, I suggest group therapy.
If you reach out to others, there is a good chance they will welcome you. It can be awkward and painful and difficult, but having relationships (start with platonic) with other humans is incredibly satisfying and give dimension to your life. I know you said you have friends, but I didn’t see that they are people you can talk to, or have strong supportive foundations with. Try to build those sort of relationships, or introduce those characteristics to your current ones.
The next step is to encourage a passion of yours. Have a side hobby and take it seriously. It doesn’t matter if it’s painting or bird watching or yodeling. Do it. And don’t judge yourself.
Watching someone you love deteriorate is really hard, and I grieve with you. With building more positive structure in your life, you will have the ability to cherish these last moments with your mother without the fear of being left all alone in the world. She will have more ease with this transition if she knows you have others who love you and that you have a life you enjoy.
Through all of this, make yourself available to your son. Be an active and enthusiastic participant of his life. Children that young need positive examples, encouragement, and guidance. Do not let your internal struggles keep you away from your son. He is someone who believes in you.
Take care of yourself.
Bo
Thank you for your post… It really made sense to me, I think group therapy is worth a shot.