I keep trying to trudge on through. I keep trying to tell myself “it’ll get better” but there’s just this overwhelming bellowing scream in my soul that exclaims “fuck it!” “bail! bail! bail!” “don’t kid yourself, get it over with NOW!!!” I feel torn and conflicted because on the other side there’s this tiny voice that tells me to “please hold on, it will get better” I’m exhausted on this inner argument inside my mind. I just want my mind to SHUT THE FUCK UP! and what better way to do that than suicide? I’ve been hoarding my meds. So far I have enough adderall to kill me, but I’m also going to take the ativan I’ve hoarded and score 2 grams of dope to do on top of the adderall to take the edge off I guess. I’m going to get a motel room or something because in the past when I’ve attempted to off myself, someone always found me and I was able to be saved at the last minute. The only person that will find me will be the cleaning lady and by then it’ll be too late, It’s so sick that writing about this plan is the only time I’ve felt happy and excited about something in weeks.. I’m a sick, twisted, *****. I deserve to die.
FREE ME FROM THIS CRANIAL HARNESS THAT KEEPS ME STUCK ON THIS HORRIBLE PLANET. I’m anchored. I just want to sink.
5 comments
This is pretty much what a close friend said to me 24 years ago. She’s gone. And it’s fucked up. Give that tiny voice a chance, you don’t deserve to die, not that way.
I’m sorry to hear about your friend… and any bad feelings my post may have brought up for you…I’ll try to hang in there, it’s just some days I feel so overwhelmed, like I can’t take it.
after I read that I had shivers down my spine. It’s so harsh and cruel. And the last three sentences are overwhelming. Just to let you know that I also have this tiny little voice saying that all things will be set right some time. Maybe not today, not this year, not so soon, but maybe one day. Maybe not, but it is the chance that is there.
misssK88, you’ve nothing to be sorry for. I was a mess back then… People thought at the time it was gonna be me that was going to fuck up. I wish it had been, but just seeing the hurt caused to her family and others kept me off that path. You got that tiny voice, and that’s a real, valid choice. Hang in there
This is how I feel every day when I go to college. No one likes me or, frankly, even cares if I live or die. Thanks for sharing your story.