Hello all. Thank you for listening to me. I just need to get it all out.
I consider myself a lucky man. I’m 20 years old, attending college, with good job prospects ahead of me. I have amazing friends and the best mother and sister a guy could ask for. I like to think that I am a handsome, funny, bright dude-without sounding arrogant or supercilious I believe I have a lot going for me.
I am not particularly unhappy. I just do not want to live anymore. I don’t see the point, quite frankly.
I go to school. Why? To get a good job. Why? To make money. Why? To live comfortably. Why do I desire to live comfortably? Because there is so much bad in the world that being able to live comfortably could shield us from a lot of the bad that exists. But if there is so much negativity, why live at all? So I can put up with the shit that goes on? It seems like killing myself just seems like the better option. When I kill myself, I imagine myself laying down on some sort of bed, with my arms crossed, looking as peaceful as can be. No stress, just eternal tranquility.
The only reason I have not killed myself yet is because whenever I think about it, I envision my mother and my sister (I would feel bad for my friends and imagine it would be difficult for them too, but I specifically envision my mother and my sister) crying hysterically, and my mother in particular not being able to get over it. I never want to hurt them or see them upset, but I don’t want to live anymore.
So, I don’t think I’m really asking anything. I would just like to hear input and your thoughts, if you would be so kind to. Thank you in advance to all who reply, or simply read this and hear my thoughts.
9 comments
We all have the thought, how’d we do it, who’d we disappoint, who would miss us, and who wouldn’t, but whether we act on it or not is up to us. I think the reason it’s so hard to actually act on the thought is that at the end of the day who are we leaving behind? We think about the people that we know would miss us, the people we would destroy. But on the other hand, our life isn’t good enough in our eyes, so why live more second in the endless misery and the endless thoughts and visions? Because we have someone out there. For you, you have your sister and mother and they must mean the world to you, so the thought of leaving them behind, heartbroken is enough to give you a reason to stay.
But at some point I have to think about myself. I can’t just live to spare the feelings of my loved ones, even if I do now. I can’t live for them for 60 more years, at some point I have to do what is best for me, which in my opinion is to let myself go to eternal peace.
Thank you for responding, and I hear your feedback. Means a lot!!
I know exactly what you mean. The only reason I haven’t offed myself yet is because I have an elderly father and the thought of what it would do to him. I have the means for a death that would be peaceful and painless and all over in minutes but cannot take that final step because I worry about him and what it would do to him.
He knows how I feel, knows I have purchased the means to my end yet has not tried to take it from me so that to me says why should I give a shit about his feelings when he can’t even care enough to try and save me.
I think if people love you they should let you go. It is selfish to expect people to live a life they don’t want just to keep you happy.
‘The only reason I have not killed myself yet is because whenever I think about it, I envision my mother and my sister crying hysterically’
Me too, I thought that if I at least got to uni, then maybe I would, I don’t know, find a purpose?
But, I don’t think I’ll ever be to do anything, I care about what my family will be left to deal with too much.
I honestly wish you well
Jennifer- Is it possible that your father isn’t trying to “save you” because he wants you do what you want-to go the way you want to go? Just trying to gain some insight into your situation. And I absolutely agree. The ironic part is many people say the act of suicide is selfish.
Lafille- I wish you the same. I hope you find a purpose, in your eyes. Good luck my friend
Your father sounds like a nice guy! He obviously respects you or doesn’t have a clue what your suicide gear is. I’m picking he respects you. Its a deeper love than punishing you.
Sorry wrong thread I think.
pointless821 ,
the reason why is to peruse your dreams and happiness, if you don’t do that then life is worthless.
I FEEL THE FUCKING SAME! EXACTLY THE SAME!