When I first started writing on this website, which is February 2012, I was going through little things. I was a senior in high school worried about the way I look. Like crying everyday because I thought I was ugly, or crying because my peers would make fun of me and somebody told me to kill myself. And as I look back at those moments, I wish I didn’t let that little stuff bother me. Because It was nothing. It was little. Let’s fast forward to my third year of college. I am at the point in my life where death and the afterlife does not scare me not one little bit. I was never afraid of suicide. But now I’m just coming to a place where it’s time. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of months and It’s time. And here’s why…as I stated earlier, this is my third year at college. And It’s always been my dream to be a nurse. But every nursing school I applied to denied me. That’s cool. It’s just I feel like I wasted so much time in college and didn’t get accepted into anything. I honestly used to work really hard on my studies. I would stay up all night studying only to fail the test. Don’t you hate that? When you study, and you take the test and you’re thinking “man, I definitely got an A on that test” and you get it back and you end up with an F. Worse feeling ever. And this happens with me every single time. It never fails. So I think that’s why I don’t even try with college anymore. I stopped trying. Then after I got rejected from every nursing program I guess I just said it’s no point in trying anymore. And I promise sometimes I really do try. I really do get up and say “I’m going to study today” but it’s like my mind won’t let me. I just can’t do it anymore. I want to, but I can’t actually do it. So I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life if I do continue to live which I strongly doubt will happen.
It’s just, I think the main problem, when I was younger I had so much dreams and ambitions. I wanted to be a doctor, I wanted a beautiful family. A nice house. I just wanted to be so successful and that’s all I wanted since I was six. And I think I’m just disappointed in myself because none of this will happen. I don’t care how much work I put into anything, I’m not smart enough. I’m telling the truth when I say this: I am not a smart person. I was in and out of remedial classes my whole life. My teachers and even my dad thought there was something wrong with me. I think nothing matters anymore. I looked up why people commit suicide not too long ago. And the main answer was because they feel like there is no way to fix the situation they’re in. Hopelessness. I thought about my situation, and I can agree with this answer.
But I guess it’s also because I fell in love with someone, who loves someone else. And every time I see him, I cry. Because he hurt me. He took a big piece of my soul and It just hurts. Every time I see him and his girlfriend my stomach flips and my heart drops and I feel as if I’m going to faint. My body goes numb. My mind gets into this really bad place. I guess I can put the blame on myself as well for thinking that someone would actually want a relationship with me. Or just for thinking hopeful. That for once in my life something would change. Someone of the opposite sex would actually like me and fall in love with me back. But he chose someone else. I was never going to be the one. So what is the answer for the ending of my life story?
Loneliness. Rejection. Pain. Guiltiness. Deep sadness. Not finding the light at the end of that long tunnel. I can’t say depression because I never checked at the doctor for a diagnosis.
But you know altogether what sucks the most? I can’t stop crying. Everywhere I go I cry. Everyday I cry. I cry so much. I would cry then it would stop for a couple hours. And it would come again. I can’t even control it. It doesn’t matter where I’m at. The library, restaurants, walking to and from class, in class, and driving. I cry so much and I tell myself “don’t cry, stop crying” but the tears still come down. I hate that I can’t control it. Anything will trigger it. The thought of him, the thought of my parents, college, my siblings, what my life could have been, bad memories from the past. Everything. Everything triggers the crying.
I was so afraid of killing myself because the afterlife. People say you will burn in hell for such an act. I believe in heaven. I believe in hell. I believe in God. I just don’t believe I’m going to neither one you know? I believe my soul will linger around. I believe that I’ll be at peace somehow. I have to believe that. I do.
I just can’t believe how that my mind is settling down with the fact that, I’m getting ready to kill myself. I wanted to get help and see what the doctor says, but I already know they or no one else can help me get out this situation besides myself. My parents will be disappointed when I tell them I’m dropping out of college. They will be even more disappointed that I offed myself. I think it will be selfish for me to stick around and stay here. I tried. I did. Now all I can think of is my soul being free. Me being out of my shell and just being free. I feel sorry for people who I’m going to hurt, but I can’t do this anymore and I’m just not strong enough for this world. I never was. I’m too sensitive. Too naive.
I wrote so many suicide letters in the past. They never really explained what I’m going through. My feelings. I didn’t start this off as a suicide letter, but I will end it that way. My final letter. My final thoughts.
I’m so sorry everyone.