tired and lost

I feel tired though I am not busy.
I feel old though I am just 16.
I feel broken.
What does this life really mean?
Sorry for my bad english. I hope I won’t be discriminated. I’ve been feeling depressed for a long time. I can’t find the way out. Telling what I feel to my parents and friends(are we still friends?)Its so difficult and weird. I’ve been telling that I’m lucky, so it is so sorry to express my reaI feeling. I’m sad doesn’t mean I’m not grateful. I have to fake a smile or a laugh to fit in when everyone’s happy. I feel so isolated. I’ve tried to tell my classmates how I feel, they told me not to feel like that,think the positive side,you’re lucky compare to many people,the world is beautiful,life is beautiful…… I’ve told these things to myself for thousands million times. Things just get worst. Why I have to feel this way? It’ve been so long that I can’t remember when and how I become who l am now, or it’s just too much happened these years. Darkness cannot fight away darkness, but where is the light? I feel lost. Thousands of memories and thoughts keep chasing me. My father cheated on my mother, he said something hurts the whole family, he tried to set our house on fire, he tried to kill my mother, their quarrels everynight, their divorce, my elder brother tried to commit suicide for the break up with his girlfriend, I was bullied and isolated since I was 4. Sexual harassment. Then there was a time I buIlied others. I am deeply sorry for that. Being scold and despised by teachers because of my stupidness and my poor academic results. Being a hypocrite who I bloody hate.I worked hard for marks and numbers but get nothing in life………I desperately want to erase my whole life,I think of committing suicide or cutting but eveytime I recall a few warm and happy memories I feel so sorry for those things and people. I hate most of my past. I am such a great actress(and liar). I am so still that no one notices the storm inside me. If there is transmigration, I really want to end this short hopeless life for another long meaningful life. Who am I? What is the meaning of life? Always the same corny question, but I can never find the answer. I’m tired.
Sorry for writing such a long passage. Thank you for reading the whole dark thing that doesn’t matter for you. Thank you for this website, I can finally share what’s on my mind for so long. This is the only English passage that I write and share honestly and not for higher marks. I relieve a little. It is a vicious cycle, tomorrow nothing changes. I want to shut down my mind, I need a rest, but that bloody education system doesn’t allow me to because I live in Asia. What’s the point? Why can’t I choose my own life? Are there any body who can relate to my life?