I am 45 years old; I gather that I have thought about ending my life since the age of about nine. Never mind that most “normal” kids never think about killing themselves ever. To ponder suicide on a regular basis since you were in grade school seems a burden that no God should place on a person.
I have no will to accomplish anything. I feel very little except disgust about myself. Counseling rarely helps; I am such a people-pleaser that I seek to say whatever I think will make my counselor feel he/she has done a good job for the day. That’s jacked up, I realize, but I’m being honest here.
Most of all, I feel almost no closeness with anyone. Even when I was a sad little kid, I remember enjoying the company of others. I now fear and even hate most everyone I meet. A job is a way to simply pay bills; paying bills is necessary for existence. But what is existence to simply work and fear and pay bills? It is useless. It is hopeless.
There is a high bridge–one of the highest in the country–close by. I think almost every day about jumping off that bridge and letting the people in my life start over. I am sick of mind and body. I’m close to being done.
4 comments
I’m sorry you feel so distant from everyone. I get it because I feel it too. I am safe if I move back from everyone. It hurts to be so very alone. All the time. I want to run away. Opps. Did that. THIS is where I ran.
What I am learning is the most important person there is for me- is me. I have to look at me, not all those people I think don’t get me, don’t even see me. I have to see me. I have to make my plans. That takes a lot because I don’t feel I am worth anything.
But I am. So are you. Forget all of the indifferent world. They do NOT count. They are the fluff of your life. YOU are the SUBSTANCE. Believe that. Start there.
Likewise I thought about suicide when I was very young-but the good experiences I had made life livable but I had many bad experiences as well. As for people, most of them are shit out there, only out for themselves and rarely will you find a genuinely good person.
I used to have fake friends who would take shit about me, sometimes saying it to my face and I quickly learned to throw out the trash in my life…but then you whittle down the numbers and you’re not left with much. Even the so-called close people sometimes end up stabbing you in the back.
I don’t know what this inclination is that people have to put down others-I’ve never felt that way towards my friends-except only in light-hearted humor if they did something dumb, otherwise I treat everyone with the utmost respect.
I agree with you about work-it’s just a paycheck. I hope one day that I can escape the rat-race and be financially independent but I’m far from that right now. About the only thing I’m living for now is the pleasures that life offers. I’m hoping I can get to a better place in my life and enjoy things before I finally part from this world. I’m getting older and there isn’t much left to life for.
I am sick of my mind not my body and because of that death I seek. I don’t have a job sick of my mind but when I’m sleeping I venture out and do amazing things. This is what I think the afterlife is all about and not being trapped inside a mere physical body. Society is all about going to work to pay bills I’ve been there done that now what else is there. 100years from now there will be free energy and can travel for free which is what I want but can’t accomplish. Prolong that jump as long as possible like I’m going to prolong gassing myself in my car for as long as possible. And bare the burden of society for as long as possible. Life sucks it truly does and I dunno if it will get better but bear the burdon for as long as possible is all I say. 2 days 6months 6 years
i totally understand moneyman! being a people pleaser. i am one too. i do things so that i dont come off as the bad person, or hurt their feelings. but as it turns out, not one of them is a true friend. its because of this quality of mine, i hate everyone and thus i am left all alone. i am 23, i dont have a job, i live off my father’s money. i dont find a reason to live. and i feel no guilt in killing myself, coz i know that even if i am gone no one would care. i am not worth anything. just a useless soul!!