Unsure of feelings

This isn’t exactly a story about an attempted suicide or a failed suicide attempt. I have not experiences none of them but I’m in current fear that I might e sharing my own story of a failed attempt soon – or not.

I have never been diagnosed with depression but I started to self harm 2 years ago. I stopped last year because I told my family (a stupid mistake if I have to be honest) but sine November, I began to feel a bit bad and sad and yeah. By January, I had written that I was suicidal and that I hated life.

I mean, I still do and I see no point in actually living but there’s always that hope and fear. Hope? I want to go to USA one day to meet a friend. I want to travel the world and there are many things in the world that I want to do and try. Fear? I’m scared that if I don’t get help I will only get worse. I already informed an IRL friend who said she will take me for a session next Tuesday but I feel like it made everything worse because I don’t want to have a session.

What I think I need to get is professional help. I’ve been dealing with suicidal feelings for around 3-4 months. This isn’t what you could exactly call a healthy thing. However, I always thought that I can do it. I can live it’s fine. Lately my family has become more shit than usual, especially since I no longer attend college now as I am going to attend a new one in September (hopefully).

On Tuesday my sister decided to joking tell me to kill myself (I have no idea why my family thinks those are appropriate but okay) and said she was going to tell me to cut myself but realised I already did it (yet again, she thought she was being funny and then proceeded to hug me despite the fact that I hate any form of contact with my family). Yesterday she called me a small Japanese boy since I have cut my hair short (long hair is too much bother for me, really). My mum made me more upset by just being shitty and today I got called a freeloader. I’m actually 16, soon to be 17, but they expect me to be capable of getting y first job with no problem and with my fear of talking with people (I cant make phone calls or talk to people because I get too shy if I know I’ll know them for longer than necessary).

Anyway, I’m not saying that my family isn’t loving because they are loving but just not in the right way. “You get everything” but they mean clothes, money, im being taken to cinema, and getting my hair and nails done. My sister said that mental illness is cause by the fact that people are just missing something. My mum told her I had everything including a loving family yet there I was. I did not agree with them. Depression is genetic to me and sometimes, I feel like having things can make someone sad. For example, I get most things I want, I have a loving family, and I even have a few good friends. However, I don’t have the kind of love I want and I think that’s the biggest problem. I think my family is my biggest problem.

My family made a big deal of my sister not getting the placement which stressed her out a lot. I thought she just had to move on and look for more things, not just in one thing. they buy my sister a watch worth £220 and they said that a figure of my favourite character as an only gift from my whole family (my mum and sisters all work) for £50 they said it was expensive and that I might get it. All I actually needed, was a figure. If I could get that figure I would be happy. I would be pretty content with not getting anything else, actually. Maybe a CD from a friend or something but that’s it. I’m not into the whole, lets spend a lot of money on practical things rather than 1/4 of that money on something she will like (They did say they might get me a watch and I had to say I didn’t want a watch like 5 times until they understood (I think)).

My mum jokingly complains how all I do is read books and I’m not interested in boys or parties and I know she is joking but like… it hurts to know that. My sisters go to parties. I admit that they sometimes take drugs while on them. One of them had a baby at 18. What am I supposed to do then? Get pregnant? Fuck with boys and get drunk and high? What would make me a ‘normal’ teenager? Although I’m the youngest and the calmest, I’ve got the shittiest health out of them all. I probably suffer from depression and I have no motivation to do anything. I find it hard to get out of bed sometimes because I know I will be told to do this and that. I haven’t watched some shows in a while only because I just didn’t feel the motivation to. I’m writing a fanfiction at the moment and I wrote 3 chapter in 4 days. Maybe something 7k words altogether?

Anyway, when I said my health might be the shittiest, I remembered how my hairdresser was talking with my mum and said I might be the mentally healthiest child she had but I’m the depressed one. I also have other random problems but they don’t matter much to my family so I never mentioned many of them and when I did mention some, they shrugged it off. I had a tailbone pain and I couldn’t sit in school. I sometimes would have trouble walking because my leg would click in a weird way and bam. My tailbone would hurt. I told my family and they said I probably just sit too much and I had to be the one to get a doctor appointment. It didn’t help since I got painkillers that made me feel sick. I stopped caring and I don’t know what happened but after about 2 months the pain went away. I also mentioned my knee. Now, my knee is probably perfectly healthy but for the past year (or longer) I get random pains where I can barely walk without limping (I force myself through the pain ’cause no one would bother asking if I’m fine anyway). The pains can happen for a few minutes and I might not have them for a month or two. However, they happen and I notice them. It’s always the same knee and a while ago, while having a bath, I couldn’t move my leg without my knee being in pain and today I had a little trouble walking.

I also have a few other things like once my shoulder hurt me and I might get a weird cramp in my foot or the area between my wrist and elbow might mysteriously hurt. I know these are just normal but after a while, you have enough of those random pains. Oh but my family didn’t care much and didn’t bother with my knee and tailbone pain (which happened to be at the same time and a 2 day shoulder pain) but when my sister had headaches, my mum fussed and everything. I understand headaches can be more dangerous and stuff but I would have liked it if anyone even pretended to be worried about me instead of laughing at home it’s probably ’cause I sit too much.

Anyway, when I got ‘bored’ of childcare and I said I just can’t possibly do it, my family was reluctant to let me change college and even said my teacher made a few good points. However, I refused to listen. I had enough by then because I just had enough of their bullshit. I had enough of life by then and I just didn’t want to deal with my family.

Anyway, my family sometimes calls me a brat, worthless, a freeloader, and many other things. I have my sisters joking about how I’m a small Japanese boy or how once my sister would say I eat cats (she stopped after mum yelled at her and after I cried because she acted like a brat (refused to leave the room I was in and as soon as I said that I’m leaving she said she will leave too)). My sisters will sometimes even mention how I should be careful to not get fat and they might tell me to put make up on. It’s not exactly bad but my self-esteem is already low enough to be buried and I don’t need them to bury it deeper.

What I would like to call this is emotional abuse but this probably isn’t even close. I mean, sometimes after an argument with my sisters or shitty things said by my family I don’t even feel sad but numb THEN maybe sad enough to cry.

Well, this is it. As I mentioned before, I am currently living on edge but I still have the hope and fear of living?