I will never understand why I did it, but I did. I let him take control of me, & I let him take all of me. He took away all of the innocence that I had. I was 13 at the time, & he was 24. I knew it was wrong, & I have hated myself for it ever since, but I let him sleep with me. I don’t even know if I gave consent anymore. Not because I regret it, but because of me being so young & looking up to him. Did he just manipulate me, or did I give consent? I don’t know. When the police asked if it was consensual, I had to say yes because I didn’t want to give him longer time than he deserved. Ha! He deserves the 10 years he’s getting. Why didn’t I realize sooner he was a piece of shit?
Anyways, the point of this is that it keeps coming back to me: the day he left. I know it sounds stupid considering what I just said, but part of me still misses him. July 14, 2014. I will never forget the last look he gave me; he was pleading not to go. I felt so horrible. Me. Not him, even though he put me through 3 years of torture because he knew, he fucking knew I was in love with him & willing to do anything to keep him in my life because I was scared of being alone like I was before I met him. And yet, I miss him. I don’t even know why I miss him. Because of the looks he gave me? Because he helped me feel like someone cared, even though he’d bring home other girls to have sex with them? I was just so scared of being alone, but look where I am again. And I’ve thought about suicide because of this many, many times in the last 10 months. Why can’t I just get over this?
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Sometimes we do things we don’t want to do, nevertheless, we do these things. Don’t blame yourself. It happened and you can’t do anything about the past. You know, I know that feeling. I was in love with a man (much older than me) and I knew it was just sex for him and he brought other girls to have sex with. Then he left me without saying anything more than ,,I’m going away. Gonna move home.” I planned suicide- it was a good plan to leave this world in the warmest sunniest month of the year. And during that final week I met a new man and I decided to postpone my decision and hold on here as long as he is here. He’s a very good man, but he wants to leave to live without human society. Sorry for telling my story, I just thought I experienced situation just a bit similar to yours. I also couldn’t get over it- it took me more than 3 years to get over it. 10 months after it wasn’t enough time for me to overcome it. I wish strenght for you to survive and wait for better times.
Let go
The law says that a 13 year old is unable to give consent. So the police asking you that question shows a lack of professionalism on their part. The fact he was 23 makes it even worse.
Now you are left with confused feelings you can’t really understand. Unless you get some good therapy soon, your chances of being able to have a normal, healthy relationship in the future, are gonna be very slim.
I speak from personal experience, even though it was from the opposite side. When something like that happens to a person, it messes them up for the rest of their lives, and all they do is hurt people that love them and care about them. Trust me, I know.
Thank you for the advice.
I want to get therapy for it, but I feel like I’d be a burden because – since I’m still a minor – my mom would have to pay for each session, but we plan on moving soon so I don’t want to make her waste money on that when we should be saving up to move.
Take it from a mom, Radio…if my kid needed help, I would totally want them to have it. I’d figure out a way to pay for therapy and a move. Your health and well-being is probably most important to your mom. Talk to her about it. Depending on where you live and your total financial situation, you might qualify for assistance or reduced fee counseling.