just venting i guess

Everyday I go through the motion’s in my life , the will to live is just not in me anymore. Alone,  going through depression it seems like the only thing that can get a tiny small smirk on my face seems to be when I try to think about what if I was happy ,what if I had that someone special in my life, what if I was special to someone else or I was needed but I get mad at myself for even thinking that fit giving myself false hope that just doesn’t exist. I bottle my emotions in until night time where my only release is to cry myself to sleep.I find myself just constantly trying to sleep to hopefully have a dream to where I can feel happiness even if its just for a small period.I wish I was strong enough to just end my life but I can’t even do that . it seems that the only time I pray/wish for strength to just end it all