Sitting here right now, tears running down my face. The feeling in my entier body can only be described as agony. It is always there because i am always alone. No matter who is around, my family, co workers, or the one person in the whole world that i feel I could talk to(but shouldnt, cant put this on her its not fAre to her) can be surrounded by them, and i am completly alone.
Can hear you say it now, call this hotline… what I need is to feel apreciated, accepted, how could someone who dose not know me do that..
Or, see a shrink. Mite as well pay a prostitute to make me feel good. If I have to pay you,, do you really care?
You can say, its because of a abusive childhood, tramatic experiances, addiction problems, ptsd, bi polar, what ever. But after all the fighting, desperately trying to earn respect, and aberrations, constet struggle to feel ok with who i am, I dont want to fight anymore, to get up for what all ways ends in this deep, dark, ever present ake festering tell I cry so hard I vomet, or drink for 2 or 3 days. . .. Cant live like this, in a world that will never except me, be Comfortable with me, for gods sake love me!?
It will not be today, there is to much to-do, will not leave everything to my family. Thinking on my b day, not to far out may have the chance to do a few things I enjoy. But the one thing I want, and could die a happy man, is to be loved, missed, cared for, but 30 years of looking and all I have is pain. So. Much. Pain.