Ready

My life’s not really going anywhere. I’ve got a lot of debt, no good job prospects, and I’ve given up trying. Some of my friends keep trying to help. Words of encouragement that by themselves don’t do jack fuck to change reality, A couple links to some stupid career builder websites and suggestions to keep checking Indeed, as if I haven’t done similar things or thought of that already. Yes, it could work eventually, maybe, but there’s more than that. I want a lover… Just, I’m tired of wondering how much longer I have to deal with this bullshit. So, I’m going to try to kill myself. I’ll try until I’m dead.

But I don’t have a gun (and hate them anyways, but I’d use one if I possessed one), and I’m a ***** when it comes to pain. I’ve experimented with leaning against ropes just to see how much it hurt, but without the intent to kill myself. Holy shit, it’s awful. I’m not sure if I could do it, but I probably could if I could find a place to hang from off the ground. I’ve tried the “water method,” which most seem to not know how to do properly. You drink loads of water and the overload of it in your body, ironically, dehydrates you to death by sucking out sodium and other electrolytes in your body. If you drink too much too fast, you’ll puke up the water instead and probably live, so it’s an experiment of balancing, and I’ve tried drinking large amounts quickly to see how much I could do without puking. I hope I can sustain that long enough to simply dehydrated enough to the point of death. It hurt my stomach, but it wasn’t unbearable. I felt dizzy, maybe a little drunk even, and my lips and throat felt dry and numb. So I think it was working. Maybe I’ll get desperate and try pills. Maybe I’ll hang myself. I’m not sure, but I want this to be done with within a month.