But the username misssk88 was one of my best friends. I never got to tell her but I really did care about her… Fuck it, I loved her. I never got to tell her, might as well write it here. Anyway, she left most of her stuff to me in her actual suicide letter, which I may post here, but I still just feel really fucking weird about everything. I saw she frequented this site and for a second I got a sick feeling like maybe people on this site told her to do what she ended up doing… like some sort of weird site that bullies you into killing yourself. Well, I found something quite different. It seems like for the most part, you guys were nice and supportive. I’m sorry to have to tell you like this, so informal. Not sure how else you would find out, though. Also, and I’m not one to preach, but, I did notice before she passed she was heavy into dark and disturbing subjects, movies, music, etc, you name it…. and while this site isn’t the reincarnation of evil and some of you can be very helpful, I noticed it’s still dark and well, depressing as fuck. If you’re already down, why keep digging deeper into more depressing things? I just feel like maybe if she put her energy and attention into more positive things she’d still be here. This is my hell. This is my denial. I probably just made myself sound ignorant. I apologize. I just miss her so much. I’m so confused and hurt.. I can’t really articulate it further than that. I just wish I could have saved her and hopefully something in this post will save someone else. I know I can’t stop every single suicide, but at least maybe I can stop a few… but the real Kara wasn’t this depressed, morose, cynical, jaded, morbid “dead inside” girl. Before everything got so fucked up, she was so full of life. Her laugh was contagious and bordering on obnoxious. Sorry, darling, it’s true. She was one of the most loyal friends I had and I feel like a fool for not noticing how serious her situation was… how far her addiction had gotten out of hand.
I’m sorry I failed you.
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I meant to mention I was writing it from her laptop, one of the various things she left behind and she still happened to be logged in which I found strange. apparently she was reading this site a few hours before her suicide but never posted instead wrote a hand written letter.
I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe you’re right. Maybe if she had stayed away from here, she’s still be around. But on the other hand, this site can be really helpful. It has a way of making you feel a bit less alone. There’s something you should try to understand. If she was in that dark of place, there is nothing anyone could have done. Not even you. It sucks. But sometimes there’s no explanation for these things. You can’t write it off as “OH if this had been different it wouldn’t have happened.” it’s much more complex than that. It goes so much deeper than I think you realize. So don’t say you failed. It isn’t your fault. She just couldn’t cope anymore.
Peace be with you.
You make a lot of good points.. I do realize it’s probably far much more complex than I can understand… but I wish I could. It’s funny I mention the word “fail” and you bring it up as well… I was reading in her other posts and she seemed to mention feeling like a failure. It’s just really sticking with me. I wish she knew how other people viewed her. She talked about herself like she was some scummy, fuck up, which she wasn’t. She wasn’t a failure, she was just lost. This seems to be the vibe I’m getting from a lot of other people here. I just hope you all know, there’s a way out, you need to be dedicated to finding it, though..
Love, some people don’t want to find that way out. For some, depression and anxiety are never ending cycles. I admire your optimism and I’m glad you don’t understand. You’ll get through this though. It’ll be okay. just know that she’s finally at peace and wherever she is, she’s smiling down at you as we speak.
I remember reading her comments. A bit of an odd fiery creature, I rather enjoyed.
I wish there was something more I could say, but, I find myself unable to conjure anything that would convey a splinter of meaningfulness.
I’m sorry for your loss.
-Ceph
This is so sad. I remember reading her posts and desperately trying to think of something positive to help. Looking back I see I never commented, so I guess I never came up with anything positive. You’re right, friend-of-K, the dark & depressing stuff feeds itself. It serves as a release but it can also become a habit.
I don’t know, this is just so sad. Maybe I’m projecting my own failure because I really wanted to say something to her but never did. Not that any 1 person could’ve stopped her, but I feel like if a bunch of people each say 1 nice thing it can sometimes make a difference.
It’s also very strange because on this site we tend to get lulled into a false sense of familiarity with the people who post, even strangers. But the reality is you never know who is ok vs who may log off and never come back alive. Thanks for telling us… If nothing else, her passing is a reminder that everyone here is in peril.
I’m sorry for your loss man, tho you must have meant alot to her, if nothing else take comfort in that. odds are if she left alot of stuff to you she probably felt the same about you. the important thing to keep hold of is the memories of the good times ye had, dont blaim yourself for not seeing what she was going to do, one of the greatest talents a suicidal person posseses is the ability to make everyone think they are ok. instead be proud of the fact you more than likely made her life worth living for so long. I havnt been arround here in a while so unfortunatly i didnt get to meet her, but from what you say she seemed like a lovely person, again, sorry for your loss, if you need someone to talk to my email is: crimson – trickle @ hotmail . com (no spaces, just trying to avoid moderation)
I’m sorry for your loss. I think I read some of her comments but I’m not sure. Either way, I don’t what you’re going through right now. If I ever lose one of my friends like that I would be even more depressed. Stay strong. Although it is somewhat too late, you finally see what she was going through. She stopped the voices. You could’ve never been able to hear them but now you know they were there. I know, this is not even helping but I just wanted to say that she did it because she thought it was the only choice. Sometimes the people that lose the loved ones often see the signs too late. It is not your fault. A lot of people don’t see the signs until it’s all over. She’s in a better place. Sorry this comment in nowhere near reassuring.
I remember reading her posts and comments too. I’m sad to hear she’s gone. But a lot of us here are in the same boat. It’s only a matter of time.
I hope she has found peace. She will be missed.
Like others here, I’m sorry for your loss. It’s natural to feel like you could’ve done more.
I remember talking to my aunt a long time ago about my dad’s suicide and she told me that before he committed suicide he was involved in an accident where he crashed his car into a tree. The police said that there were no skid marks. He had obviously tried to kill himself that day. He somehow walked away unscathed. When my aunt tried to talk to him about getting help he told her, “I’ve got problems no one would understand.” A few months later he shot himself to death.
When a person reaches the point of believing things are truly hopeless and they are completely alone in this world, then there is no saving them. People knew my dad was suicidal and it didn’t matter. He was determined to end his life.
Peace to you and wishing you well.