The lingering feeling

When you fall back into your old thoughts and ways. When you wish life could be better or that some how you can just go to sleep and not wake up. I’ve been feeling like complete and total crap the past few months. I’ll be honest my health has been on a steady decline and it sucks. It sucks having ovarian cysts that keep reoccurring more painful each time, have HPV and being at risk for cervical cancer some day especially now since I would have repeated and frequent abnormal cervical cells. Not just that But my joints constantly pop and I have the shingles virus at the age of 24, I can’t drink alcohol without breaking out in hives and I constantly bruise, the list can go on. All these things make me wonder what would happen if I got an illness that would kill me. What if I never get to accomplish any of the things I want in my life what if I never get to experience real love, or the feeling of carrying a child and being a mother. It has given me a whole new perspective on things and it’s crazy but I’m more afraid to die than I am to live. Because with life and living at least I have some general idea of what to expect. I had a dream the other night that torments me it was of my ex and he had sent me a video and showed himself and then his new girlfriend and told me that he found some “new *****”. I felt like complete and total shit and I don’t know why it hurt me so much in the dream. It even hurt a little in real life, but then I realized I hope he is happy. I moved on met someone else and that sadly didn’t work out for me but I tried. My health sucks but in most other ways my life has improved. I cry a lot lately and my family issues have been resurfacing all over again I failed a class this semester first one in years and its all depressing me and taking a toll on me. I’m carrying the weight of the world right now and I’m trembling beneath it and my knees feel like they are gonna give out any second now. I just wanna be hugged is that too much. I just want to be a good person again..