I don’t post a lot, but right now, I just have to get this feeling out of me. Sorry for the melodramatics…
I don’t just wish I was dead; I wish I had never born. I hate that I am such a burden, such a waste of resources, such a disappointment. I know that most others don’t look at me and see that. They wouldn’t agree, and that should make me feel better. But really, it just means no one knows me. If they knew me, they’d see what I see. I work so hard at everything I do, and I just feel like I get nowhere. I’m only 22, about to graduate college in two weeks. If I have nothing to offer the world now, when I am supposedly at my prime, what could I possibly have to offer 10, 20, 30 years from now? I know that logic is a bit strange, but my point is that this is the time when I have the energy and means to make a difference. The problem is that I can’t. I am just not enough. No matter where I go, who I’m with, or what I do, it is never enough, and it never will be. I just can’t live like this anymore. I can’t be me for another second.
I don’t want to feel like this or to be some attention whore or to act like I have the worst problems. I know that I am so blessed, especially compared to many others. I am grateful. I just wish I could honor those blessings with my life, but I am a nobody headed nowhere with nothing to contribute. I am the problem, not my circumstances or those around me. I am to blame, and I realize that. And every problem needs a solution, so what is the solution to the problem of me? Well, right now, suicide seems to be about the only thing to do. I have tried so hard to be better, to be different, to be enough. Unfortunately, not all trash can be made into treasure for someone. Some trash is just trash, and it requires disposal.
3 comments
I know exactly how you feel. I try to rationalize suicide by saying I don’t want to be here and I’m not worthy and with me gone someone else can have what I had. Though only being 22 you are in your prime physically but that shouldn’t stop you. You can always keep learning and look at these older boxers and mma fighters destroying younger fighters. You define your own prime. If you feel you don’t contribute enough than go help the community. Volunteer. Point is youth is hard you’re still finding yourself
Thats kind of a fun thought. Honestly I have never thought about if I was not born. I guess I have been lucky, I have changed many peoples lives for the better. And it’s extremely selfish, but few I feel have changed my life in the same direction.
That being said, I find your words repeatable. Perhaps you have more to offer than you realize. If you can’t be ‘you’ be someone else. I rather enjoyed reading your words, I hope you keep posting. I quibble with every solution needs a problem. Some problems just are, some people just are, it does not make them any less beautiful, any less human. Just be you. I for one, enjoyed reading your words.
You know, there is such a thing as an over achiever. Thinking you’ll make a change or difference in this world is unrealistic. Think about how many people there are and how their lifes affect everyone else. They all make a difference, and at the same time, they are as meaningless as dust. The fact that you care tho, and that you do want to push those limits, are already worth more than what you think.
Honestly, how many people at your age questions their life because they aren’t contributing? why should they do? is it an obligation? do you really owe anything to society, or for that matter, the world? is it written somewhere?
You say you do your best. Then continue doing your best, and be proud of it. Maybe you won’t make a difference to the world (or maybe you will), but to your world and those in your immediate surroundings, it will make a difference as well, and that’s more than most can say.