Firstly, I’m sorry for my awful English. English is not my first language so … yeah, i just hope that my post is not so confusing. Well, here it is ….
I never know that I can make it.
I mean, I always thought that I will be dead by now. (I’m 23 years old and I always think about suicide even before my 7th birthday)
Ever since that “accident”, I always torn between to kill myself or to keep living in this hell.
I already prepare the tools (for suicide) too. I keep on thinking about the easiest way to end my life.
Before I reach my 9th year of life, before I considered to be a proper human who can make decision by myself, before God started to count my sin (as my religion said) … I didn’t have a lot of time to think.
On my second grade of Elementary School, I already had a cutter in my schoolbag. I already stole my mother’s kitchen knife, I hide it in my closet. I even thought of the possibility to throw myself in front of a dashing train.
But then, as you can see now, I choose to stay alive.
And even until my 23rd year of life, I still occasionally regret that decision.
Ah. I should have died at that time. I have no chance for it now. (I still have some faith in my religion about heaven and hell, so … yeah).
My reason to keep living at that time is … to take revenge to my ignorant mother, to every single body who hurt me. That time, I promise to make their life miserable, I want to hurt them too.
But now that I’ve grown up, I realize that revenge is sick. It will only harm myself, hurt me even more. And now I understand that my mother is not an ignorant mother. She just didn’t know about my pain back then. She was too busy to take care of the family.
But then again, now i don’t have something to hang on to.
I don’t know anymore. What should I do with my life?
To life a normal life like everybody else? Pretend to be “normal” with my condition like this? Is it possible? Can I fix it? I already rotten because all this time I only think about revenge and suicide, I already destroyed. Can I lead a (normal) life like my mother want me to? And how?
6 comments
We’ll always be damaged. We have to break through somehow. It will be very hard for all of us.
Hard indeed. Everyday for years I try to be happy and enjoy my life because actually, my life is not that bad. But I don’t know, I always tired.. Anyway, thank you. It’s nice to have people to talk to.
“Can I lead a (normal) life like my mother want me to? And how?”
No you can never a normal life like your mother wants you to but, live your life like the way you want. Forgive all those people who hurt you(including yourself). If you believe in your religion then believe that GOD will take care of all those people. Throw away all the tools you procured, please. Just believe a very great future is waiting for you.
Happy Living…….
One month ago my mother admitted to hospital because of brain anerysm and I really scared that she will leaving me forever. I want to make her happy because all this time my depressed state always make her frustated and she always said that she only want me to live like everybody else; to get married and have my own family. But I have social anxiety and … I have a fear of the opposite gender. I’m 23rd already but I never have a boyfriend. I can’t even stay calm if I get too close to my male friend or coworker. Since I can remember, I already prepare myself to life my live alone, forever. I really don’t know what to do now..
Can you lead a normal life? I think you could, but only you can find the answer to that. How? The same way all the “normal” people do, I suppose. Day by day.
At least you got past the revenge thing. I tend to like the concept of revenge as a whole, actually. Makes for great storytelling material. Luckily I have no personal interest in revenge at the moment. My problems are mostly self-inflicted. If you can get over your longing for revenge and look at the bigger picture, even better. Revenge is only as worthwhile as you make it.
Your English is fine, by the way. Easily understandable. You make some mistakes, sure, but not enough to make a big difference. What is your first language, I wonder? My first guess would be something East Asian. Then again, there are a couple of little things that could almost point away from that, and the assumptions I’m making to come to that guess could probably apply to a lot of languages. I’m probably way off. Spanish? Russian, maybe? Who knows.
Well, I don’t think about revenge anymore but now it feels empty. I always feel empty but now it worse. I feel like I don’t have a reason to live anymore. I’m not a religious person but I do believe in God; eventhough I always either mad or upset to God, I beg him to just take me already if God really loves me.
I don’t know why but I can express myself better in (my far from perfect) English. And in my country, the talk about suicide is … taboo I guess. I just want to have someone to talk to and I can’t bring myself to talk to my family. Conversation with my friends always make me feel worse, so I can only look for a place like this site. Well, thank you, really.