Let’s see.
No more daily emotional pain that is excruciating – more than any physical pain I have felt.
No more feeling like I want to scratch off my own skin just to take away the feeling of emotional pain
No more trying to face people and smile
No more worrying about jobs/cars/bills
No more worrying about will I find a partner.
No more worrying about my health and which diseases I have because I get a headache.
No more worrying about losing my looks as I get older.
No more worrying about anything anymore.
Just peace and calm and NOTHING. I have just 10 days to go till I can put it together, I just hope that these days pass quickly. Everyday is excruciating and I just don’t want to feel this ever again.
9 comments
I can relate to most of your reasons. When you are on the brink of ending it all, like I’ve been for many weeks now, you start to get some clarity about your own situation. There was a time that I could have been saved. Now I’m way past that point. All I want before I go is for my last wish to come true. And the worst part is that I know there is a zero chance it will happen. But I still insist on wishing it. I guess when you have just a few days left, you allow yourself to have a pointless moment or two.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you success.
Do you think (if it were possible) most people that die would look back at their lives and think it wasn’t so bad or that they could have lasted longer?
If they weren’t depressed, then yes, the problem is depression makes everything awful and you can’t enjoy anything. You are just miserable, no matter what life you may or could have. The problem is the feeling of constant misery that eats away, if you can’t get past that then the life will never be worth living, as it’s only pain. So, feeling like I am now, would I look back and say I want to live another 10 years of this misery, the answer is no. If my depression was magically lifted, then Iight say yes.
That’s true, if the mental and psychological barrier remains it’s unlikely anyone would change their mind. The view generally held by society is suicide is a mistake, life gets better and everyone can be saved.
My advice to anybody who isn’t sure about things is that:
– You can postpone suicide whilst it’s always available as an option and there is no going back once you commit yourself.
-A person should consider whether their actions would bring about more or less suffering to themselves should they survive and those around them should they succeed.
-Consider whether there is any realistic prospect that in time their circumstances could improve or their perception could differ.
-A person should give themselves every chance of living
– What ever decision they make they should only proceed if they are sure.
-Death is inevitable.
Gleneagles, some really great points there and ticks off my position, which still remains the same. I will plan it so I don’t fail. I have had enough failed attempts. I don’t want to put my family through the suffering or trying to convince me otherwise and failing. I am just waiting for the right opportunity to cause minimum impact on anyone (so no one in my family finds me, but rather a stranger).
Thanks a lot for your post, it was really insightful and may even use some points in my final letter to my family. X
I’ve been in a position where after considering all my options I was absolutely sure I was going to die. Other people intervened and although I don’t approach life with great enthusiasm I’m grateful that people helped. Now I’m on antipsychotics as a result and it appears to be holding. I don’t wish I was dead everyday and life is fairly tolerable.
I wish I could find life tolerable, but it’s just very painful every day. I’m on anti depressants but they don’t really help ATM. I have posted an ad for a partner also on a partner website just to make sure I go through with it instead of letting me suffer anymore. Like putting an animal down to put them out of their misery. I’m so happy that at least someon who has reached the brink was able to get back to a tolerable level, but I don’t think it will happen with me, this has gone on too long and gone too far. I just can’t hold on much longer, the pain is unbearable. If someone told me for sure that I would feel better in 1 year, or even 2 or 3, I would suffer the pain and hold on, because I remember a time when I was happy, but the truth is I don’t believe I will get better.
looking at your list, are your problems caused by endogenous depression or is it a reaction to stressful events in your life?
I am pretty confident it’s hireditory. My brother went through the same thing at the same age in his life and my dad too. The only one who skipped it was my sister.
I suspect the stressful life on top (job and childhood traumas and alcoholic parents etc) of that made it impossible for me to ever crawl back to the person I once was. And if this is all that’s left then I don’t want to be remembered like this. Better leave whilst people still remember who I was.