I am 26 yr old male from india. Lost my parents in 2010 due to illness. I have been living alone in my parents house ever since. I was their only child.
Now its 2015 and i am still here in the same house, in the same city. I have completed my graduation(B. Com) in 2008 and got distinction in Cost accounting. But i was not interested in job as i wanted to do MBA. Initially my father agreed to put me through b-school and i gave entrance exams in 2008 and 2009.
In 2009 i got selected in few good b-schools of india but then my father said that he won’t be able to finance my mba.
Initially i had discussed it with my father as he got retired in 2004 when i was still in school. I asked him flatly whether he will be able to pay the fees of mba and he said that he will get me education loan against the house which he will give to bank as collateral.
Later he asked an uncle of mine about my education loan as uncle was manager in a bank. Uncle replied that my father should not mortgage the house for my sake as it can be risky if i fail to pay off the loan. His exact words to my dad were- “Don’t become so blind in your love for your son that you put the only thing that you have been able to make after your entire life’s work and money at risk (i.e. the house). If your son is capable he will be able to find his own way.” After hearing him, my dad refused to pay my mba fees.
Ideally i should have started a job after this and i did a job in a call centre for 1 month but then i left as i wanted to do something worthwhile. This all is going on in 2009.
Then in 2009 i went to visit a cousin brother of mine who is a tax consultant. He sais that i should become Chartered Accountant. His office was breath-takingly spectacular. I was in awe and i decided that i too such an office. So i came back and got enrolled in the course.
But the problem was that my parents weren’t very rich. Hell, rich…we weren’t even normal according to the social economic standards. I never got the guts to ask my parents to give me money so that i can take classes to prepare for 1st year of the CA course. I studied it myself and in Jan 2010 i passed 1st year.
In the end of jan 2010 my mother was diagnosed with fatty liver and had to be hospitalised. I was ready to quit my course and take any job that should come my way. But both my dad and mom refused to let me give up studies and gave me money for classes of 1st group of 2nd year of CA course.
So i was going from tax class at 7-9am and then back home or to hospital as the situation was and then i would go to accounts class from 12-2pm and then come back and then again go to financial management class from 5-7pm and then back again to home.
But all this running from one class to another and then to home or hospital left me with no time for self-study and result was that i was not able to gain even a single bit of knowledge. This routine went on till september 2010 and by that time my mom’s condition deteriorated. October and november were like pure hell. Mom was getting hospitalized regularly. In december 2010 mom passed away and 3 days after her death dad died due to heart attack.
My dad didn’t have anyone in his family. Mom had 5 siblings in her family, excluding herself. They all came when dad died not when mom died. Every single one of them was like “Don’t worry we are here with you. You need anything call us.” After last rites they all left.
Come 2011 and i have been living all alone ever since. I am able to survive on the little money that my parents left (and it is little. Young mba’s earn more in a year then what my parents left me with.) I tried to study for my course but couldn’t do it. i just couldn’t concentrate anymore. So i mopped around here and there and now i’ve lost 4 years of my life. 4 best years of my 20’s. I just don’t know what to do with my life anymore. Everyone around me be it my cousins or my peers are all well settled in their lives and i am just surviving life one day at a time.
It’s not that i don’t want to become CA, but it has suddenly become almost too impossible to do. And also my financial condition too is not good. I don’t even have a PC let alone a laptop. This post that i’ve written, i have used my friends laptop and his net connection. I didn’t wanted to do a job because i have always wanted to start something on my own, but now i don’t feel i will be able to do anything worthwhile in my life.
I have also tried to ask my mom’s younger brother, i.e. my uncle to lend a 15000 rs (and that’s a really a small amount) so that i can do a accountancy course which was of rs 30000. I paid 15000 out of my savings( and it really were hardly won savings). I attended classes of that 6 months course for full 1 month. At the end of the month remaining 15000 were due. I called my uncle who had previously assured me that he will lend me 15000 rs but he didn’t even received my call. I was kicked out of the course and everyone at the class were like- man you don’t even have 30000 rs in today’s world?
Later my uncle called and said that he was having business trouble back then and so he couldn’t take my call. He is a moneylender and real estate developer. Later i saw his son’s facebook profile who is still undergraduate and he was constantly hitting gym and going out with his friends. Well uncle’s financial troubles began as soon as i called and ended as soon as i got kicked out from the course. This all happened in 2014.
Now its 2015 and half of its gone. I will be 27 this june. I live alone, have no job, no money, no girlfriend. I don’t understand why do people give so much emphasis on family? Well if you ask me, families suck. My family was never there when i needed them the most. They left me alone as if i was a rabid dog who will infect them if they will come near me. They say blood is blood, no matter what happens. I say bullshit. I don’t understand why people make promises that they have no intention of honouring. My uncle still calls me like once in every 5 months and tells me that he can help me settle in his city if i come there after selling my parental home. Now what should i make of this. This man never came to his elder sister’s cremation. Anyway i don’t want to go to his city. And all of my relatives are like this, self centred and entirely superificial. No one talks to me anymore.
Now i really don’t know what to do. Jobs are getting harder to get due to my inexperience and whatever jobs i am getting i am really not interested in doing them. They really are low rung, dead end jobs which will suck the life out of me. I have always 3 dreams- to become CA, to later start a real estate business and before i die to write a novel so that people might remember me. But poverty has a way of dictating one’s life. It burns your dreams.
I know that people will say that you really have everything to look forward to, you don’t have any terminal disease, you are not physically or mentally disabled. So why don’t do just go out and do it? But i can’t. I have lost my courage, my will to go on. I am alone and there’s noone to turn to. There’s noone here who will hold my hand and comfort me, who will tell me that everything will be fine, who will guide me towards the light, who will console me when i cry at night. I miss my mom so much. If she would have been alive i would done everything. But……..
Now i don’t wish to live. Every single day i think of killing myself. I infact feel that it would have been much better if i had never came in this world. I am so confused right now. Suicide seems to be the only real option to me. What should i do?