Can’t stand to live, but afraid to die. Nothing gets better.

I feel so empty, broken, sad, lonely, etc. The list goes on with negativity upon myself. I have always been a sad, negative and lonely person deep down. But I find as I get older the worse it becomes, the worst I become. I find myself tumbling into a deep depression. Each time its harder to snap out of. I hate to wake up everyday. I have no motivation towards anything anymore. I just want the day to be over, sleep it away because I feel jailed by my own misery.

I often think of the reasons I should live and there are little to none. The only 2 reasons I am still here are because I wouldn’t want to ruin my families lives with the burden of my suicide one day, and the fact that I haven’t build up the strength to put an end to my life.

I haven’t held a steady job, I’ve been unemployed for over a year, all of my friends have moved on with their lives, gotten married, having children, and i’m still alone, jobless, living with my parents and alcoholic siblings.

What’s putting me over the edge is not the constant denial from jobs but the fact that I love someone who doesn’t want to share their life with me.

We have been together as FWB for several years, we travel together, do just about all the BF/GF things but without the label of a relationship. He doesn’t want to be fully committed because he wants to have the freedom to sleep around.

It hurts me to think that I am not enough for them. I have said I was willing to be in an open relationship. But then they said they never want to live together because one day they will bring another woman home one night, and I shouldn’t be there for that.

They have given me so much, and I have nothing to give back, but I can’t stand to be without them. But just as equally the happiness he can bring me, the sadness is just as great. For them to tell me, they want to sleep around, doesn’t care if I do the same it as well makes me feel worthless.

Im not saying I’m the best person, I’ve had do many mistakes, and learned from them, but I feel so lonely without this person around. They have held me together and been my rock through so much, yet he crushes me down the most.

I don’t want kids or marriage, but I do want to share a home with someone I love. I understand he wants to sleep around, he’s honest about want he wants, and to be honest myself, I am afraid to commit to one person. I may cheat I them one day, as I have done in the past. But the thing is, I don’t go looking for it every second.

I do realize marriages sometimes  fail because people cheat . And through his eyes it’s never cheating if you don’t committee.

I want him in my life all the time, I feel that his company makes everything better, more enjoyable, but I know it’s not the same for him. I hope things will change one day, but I’m to depressed to wait and go through this everyday. I’m stuck, no one my age around me, but cant afford to leave.

I’m so numb I can’t feel the needles stabbing my leg, there’s no real physical pain, I’ve sunk to deep to feel anything but loneliness, and darkness.

I hate my life, nothing is getting better, only worse. I’m alive because I love my parents, I don’t want to upset them. But being on this earth is making me miserable. I can’t stand it… No job, FWB that leaves me wishfully thinking and hoping for more, knowing it will never happen, no money, baby sitting and watching my drunk siblings slowly ruin themselves and not want help, screaming and fighting every nigh, not getting along with my friends anymore, and being around people in general is just stressful at this point, it makes me want to hide away even more. I want to give up, but I’m so horrified to think the damage I will do to my family when they’d be the ones to find my body if I off myself. I’m just a waste of space, living for them is killing me. I have no life of my own to be proud of… I want to give up. I’ve had enough.

Please someone, I need advice, or a similar story, anything.