Don’t know really

I’ve had depression, anxiety and anger problems for years now. I have my good patches, I have my bad. Currently it’s my longest run of bad patch,  over 2 months of consecutive bad days no good ones filtered in there, it’s taking its toll really.

I have a lot of responsibility, I run a business, I just received a loan from my parents to buy a car. Every time I try and see a psychologist something comes up, a business meeting, all of my bills come out on the same day so I have no money. The problem is the bad days just keep on coming, my body’s falling apart physically from stress. I’m noticing both internal and external issues coming up a lot.

I have a lot of great people in my life but most of the time when I’m with them it’s a mask. A mask that hides who I am. Sure I’ve had more than my fair share of abuse. The first 18 years of my life were hell basically. I’ve accepted it, well at least I think I have. I’m not sure really. Otherwise I wouldn’t have just been looking at ways to buy ********. I’m not opposed to dying one bit, if it happened by accident tomorrow I’d be happy. My issue is I want death to be easy and painless, hence I thought ********. Not so much easy, but seems nicer than jumping off a bridge. Too many more risks with that. Plus i couldn’t bare to handle my thoughts on the way down. I just don’t know really, I’m having struggles in almost every area of my life, having mental illness doesn’t help a bit. I’m thinking death is a good answer, I’m too disconnected to fully comprehend the seriousness of these thoughts. I’d say that I’d never do it. But I don’t know really, I just do not know.