I am an asshole and I deserve to die

I think I fucked up everything. I was a fuck up socially in school. Barely had anyone to talk to.  That wasn’t very fun. I used to never leave the house. I was just a sad piece of shit. That all kinda changed this year. Met some people, started going to concerts. Actually had a job for over a year. My life was getting so good. Then I met this girl. She was amazing. Everything about her was perfect. Even her imperfections I ended up loving. The way she let her messy hair go. The way she never wore makeup because she didn’t give a fuck. But some stuff in her relationship scared me. The biggest part was when she said she loved me. I mean I had said it before but I was high as a kite so I guess that doesn’t really count. But yeah the commitment and shit. I wasnt ready and I freaked out. We ended up getting in fight a couple days and I said I was doubting if I wanted to be in this relationship. That night I ended up buying some fireball whiskey. I dont even usually drink but I could not cope. But anyways we end up on skype. Im drunk as fuck with this being the my 4th time Ive drunk in my life. On a side note my mom keeps coming in like jeeeeezus mom im just trying to write a suicide note here or some shit. Oh yeah I forgot. Last time you walked in me trying to kill myself you just yelled at me and told me to go back to sleep. lmfao. But anyways yeah I was really drunk on skype with her which was already bad because she was in treatment for alcohol/drug use. So shes already pretty mad at me but I think she was worried more about the relationship. I start by saying some bs list i had thrown together about random things about her I could be negative about. Shes not buying it. “Are you just looking for an excuse to break up with me?” Im not sure what to say. I wasnt happy in the relationship, Im more unhappy without her. This is the second time shes said something thats fucked me up. The first was when she asked me if I really loved her or I was just lonely. And im still not sure. I know I was very lonely. In 18 yrs I had never dated before. I could barely even talk to girls I liked. If I liked them I usually would just end up stammering and stuttering. Pathetic. I know but so is my “life” if you can even call it that. But idk if it was the whiskey talking but I say, “I never loved you, I was just lonely” At this point shes crying partly for what I said, mostly because she is a recovering alcoholic and I had a drink in my hand. But you know what i do? I laugh in her face. She tells me to call her in the morning when Im sober to talk about us. That morning I tell her itll prolly be for the best for us to split. I was wrong I think. I miss her so much. But its not fair for her. For me to be like today I love you. Next day I never loved you. Next day I love you again. Its not worth it for her. I am a terrible human being. But two days later I was drinking again. And I messaged her again. She said she would let me grovel and beg for her sunday. I want to be with her so much. But I just know im gonna break up with her again. She took me back after the first time I broke up with her. I hope she wouldnt consider doing it again. But anyways I got fucked up drunk that night. I drank halfish or so and was on omegle for a bit. Some people were pretty nice and would talk to me about shit. I appreciate that. Others kinda laughed at me because I could barely stand and I also kept punching myself in my face. But yeah i dont really remember what happened after that. But I guess I puked all over my bathroom. All over my bedroom. And then passed out on my floor. But yeah needless to say my parents were not entertained. They didnt kick me out like they said they would, but I wish they would. I need to suffer. I need to feel pain. Im dumb and im just some spoiled middle class kid who just got out his first relationship. But im done. Hopefully reincarnation is a thing. I just want to start over and redo everything. Hopefully god doesnt exist I dont want to have to justify my shit to him. Sorry for the shitty grammar and spelling but I half-ass everything so I guess Idk why this would be any different. Bye bye.