This is probably the first and only time I will be truthful honest about who I am and I’m only doing this because I know none of you know me and never will. Anyways I’m a horrible person and don’t deserve the nice life I have. I’m not like most of the other people on here who have had terrible lives and just want to end the pain. I have many hardships but none nearly as bad as some, yet still here I’m am contempting suicide, so let me explain. I ‘ve done some pretty horrible things, one thing so bad that I can’t even say it here for fear that someone would try to get me sent to jail for it, even though I know I deserve it. Without going into detail I did something to someone close to me that I had no business doing and even though I knew it was wrong I continued to do it anyway, ending up hurt even more people I care about. In addition to this I’m also gay, which I dearly do not wish to be. Being raised in a extremely homophobic family I learned quickly how to hide this feeling, but doesn’t mean that they aren’t there, and that I feel less and less like a person the more they develop. I’m agonists, don’t know what to believe in, while the rest of my family are devoted Christians, even if I did believe I’m destined to spend eternity in he’ll anyways. I’m pessimistic, obviously, I see the negative in everthing, especially myself. Im selfish, I have no desire to help others, yet pretend like I do to look good to others. This list could go on and on, to summarize I am a fuck up, but strangly enough I’m a talented fuck up, I just recent graduated in the top 10 of my class. But that doesn’t make any difference, it just a distraction for people to think about so they don’t see who I truly am. Like I said, I done some horrible things, many of which can never be forgiven and I utterly hate myself because it. Its finally gotten to the point, after many years of battling severe depression, that I’ve given up on myself and realize that I’m not worth saving, that the world would be better off without me. I know people will miss me, but that’s only because they don’t really know me, if they did I’m sure they would hate me. This isn’t meant to be my plea for help, I already made up my mind. This is just my way doing something I been to afraid to do before, tell the truth. I’m messed up in the head, in more ways than one, and it’s becoming harder and harder to control myself. What’s worse is that my mind tries to justify what I’ve done, which just isn’t right. Maybe I do need help but it far to late for that. All that matters know is how, when and where.
P.S. Sorry for the horrible grammar.
5 comments
Hey 🙂
I hope you can find comfort in my humble words…
I do think you care for others, just that your way to protect yourself is to feel like you don’t. Often we won’t feel accepted and loved, and it is a matter of surrounding yourself with the right people. Try doing something unexpected, different, with people you would usually dislake or judge… experiment with something out of your bounderies with an open mind… life has its little miracles… No matter what you did, you can always change and do good. My father beat us lots when I was a kid, but now I completely forgave him, as I know he was a very sad person (bipolar). You have to see your own light and beauty, as even it might be hiding very very deep, it is there. You might not have had the chance to learn how to care for others, and yes, you might be selfish, but knowing that, to me, is an immense strenght, and being able to admit it… well, to me seems like a very wonderful act of courage. I sincerely hope you take the time to read this and infuse yourself with my words, as they only mean well. And no matter what happened with you and your friend, well, as a stranger, I forgive you. Because you are in pain, and we don’t always take good decisions when in pain. But know this : ANYONE who would have lived your life, had the same experiences in a same family context, anyone would have done the same, as we are only a result of where we were born ad raised. But now, you see that, and you can decide to take a leap of faith and change. And feel greatness in controlling your life’s path. And I don’t know you, but I honestly care for you, and please know that as a human being to another, I love you. I wish you the very best, and hope you don’t judge me too much, and have empathy for your own self
I wasn’t going to come back, but something told me to, I guess curiousity. Anyway, I appreciate your words, first time I’ve been comforted by a complete stranger. It takes a lot of strength to forgive and though you were able to forgive your father I’ll never be able to forgive myself. l just feel so lost, nothing seems to make sense and what’s worse I’m starting not to care, about anything. I was angry when I wrote that and still am but not as much. Yet, I still meant every word of it and though I only see a brief future for myself, I still have time. My plan for suicide won’t be ready till about a year or two, for reasons I won’t explain. In that time I’ll try to take your advice but knowing myself I doubt I will.
So finally you have confessed after so long. If you don’t mind, May I know your gender?
Male
Hi
First, you aren’t alone in the way you feel. The comments above have said most of what I would but please know that it’s not over until it truly is and as long as you’re alivr no matter how shitty and gruesome, there us some small measure of hope