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I hate coming here…

by RealTalk30

But it’s the only place I can say what’s really on my mind.

I’ve lost so much.. more like thrown my life away.
Giving myself fake reasons to keep going. Faking every step forward, but what I’ve really been doing is setting myself up to end my life. Subconsciously tying loose ends so that I may relieve myself from this pain. So that there’s nothing left to hold on to.
I use to come here at a time when I should have been happy..but the fact is that I came here cause I’m most certainly not happy. Things have only gotten worse, and now I try to see into the future and I only see what I’ve seen for so long..what I’ve tried to ignore. My life won’t hold out forever. Sooner than never, it will reach its end. I’m gonna die poor and alone and with nothing accomplished.

I’ve tried to live free.. but i am not free

There is no struggle but that which I put myself through. I fight a battle that involves no one but myself. I have only shame in my heart and embarrassment to be alive, taking for granted every last precious resource.

I would say that I can’t get back to a better mind frame..that I can’t get back to a better life.. but the truth is there’s nothing to go back to

There is just nothing to go back to and nothing to move on to
There’s nothing there


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RealTalk30 6/10/2015 - 12:40 pm

I just can’t be here anymore ..on this site

angelie 6/10/2015 - 1:04 pm

Hi. I know. This struggle is really bad especially when at the heart of it the only person you can blame is yourself. You ask yourself why you didn’t work harder or all of that and you’ve made a mess and there’s almost no going back and it truly does hurt. Because it’s about ego and the weight of responsibility. I understand

Dallas 6/10/2015 - 1:25 pm

Sorry things are going so rough for you, RT.

Good luck with everything.

Procel 6/10/2015 - 2:10 pm

@RT BROTHER!!!! Ive actually been in a bit of a funk recently, but seeing one of the greatest members this site has ever had come back around has me smiling, ive missed ya man! if this was in real life the first thing id do would be to hug you, the second thing would be to smack you right in the face and say ” There was never a fake reason to keep going, every reason you have had was real, maybe they might not have worked out but that dosnt mean they wernt real. there is a school of thought that believes things are only real as long as you look at them, that basically when you close your eyes everything dissapears and only when you open your eyes again do things start to become real. (or prehaps im creating my own school of thought, entirely possible) so basically when you blink everything stops exsisting for that second, yet open your eyes and everything is real once more. you my dearest friend have your eyes closed right now, and all those reasons dont exsist right now, but when you wake up again everything will exsist once more. just have faith brother, reasons to keep going do exsist but only when you see them.”
Of course your life is going to end man, nothing last forever, but you are looking at it wrong. the fact life is going to end soon is a reason to get as much done before that last day, not a reason to go “fuck it, might as well go now” u have to grab each day left and squeeze that bastard dry, when you do eventually die, it better be with every last day you could muster, the world owes you more days, be selfish and take them all!!
You say you fight a struggle with no one but yourself, but who is a better opponent than you? it couldnt get more evenly matched, which means you have a better chance of winning a fight with yourself than the entire world, start throwing some right hooks, and some sneaky knees to the gonads!!
You say theres nothing to go back to, no good times to regain, but thats the wrong direction your looking in, the past wont ever change, no matter how many times you look at it, its still the same as when you lived it so stop wasting time looking at it. and dont look at the future, that wont ever happen, the future is always ahead, focus on the here and now man, dont go planning the future in a dark and dreary light, you put enough negative energy facing forward its just going to blow back into the present. just wake up with no expectations, good or bad and live each day with a curiosity of cat, no expectations, just see how it goes.
and as for the “theres nothing there”? thats true, the past stoped exsisting since u lived it already, its all just a memory, and the future dosnt exsist because it hasnt happened yet, the only thing thats here is the here and now so focus on that brother!

Raymond 6/10/2015 - 2:37 pm

My brother RT. It’s killswitch here. I see you haven’t been drinking enough *clink clink* or too much, haha. I’ll just echo what Procel said. Your perspective is a bit off as all people in a rough situation tend to lose focus off the right things. I’m betting you’re focusing heavily on your issues and your emotions and that is a recipe for emotional defeat. Nothing gets me feeling down faster than starting to look at my feet and noticing how I’m only going one step at a time. The process and progress is arduously slow. But if you keep your eyes on the horizon of your dreams and goals, knowing left than right foot, one at a time, you’ll cover lots of ground. Look back with the mindset that you’ve made it as far as you have. Not with the idea that you haven’t come very far. No man, you’ve made it this far!! Unreal! We’re all still here. Me, Procel, you, Salt, lots of others after two years! Two fuckin years! Unbelievable. That’s a long time! Christ almighty if only you could see the strength I see in you. So much strength. You’re a warrior and I’ll be damned if I ever let you post without making a comment and telling you those suicidal feelings are wrong. Especially for you. You’re a gem buddy. A real flawless topaz. A diamond in the rough. Tough to find. An inspiration really. Don’t EVER think of giving up on me buddy. Fight on. Fight with me. Fight.

OneBreathAway 6/10/2015 - 3:03 pm

Unforgivably I feel ya. Looking for my out now –

RealTalk30 6/12/2015 - 12:04 pm

Thanks you guys.
I see my soldiers are still fighting the good fight. I didn’t expect to find you all still here going this strong for everyone, like you always have. Every word you guys say is true..and it’s a mystery why I haven’t been back sooner to draw strength and confidence from the people who understand the most. You all deserve the best life has to offer. I’m gonna try my hardest to hold my head up and get things done in my life. I’ll keep reminding myself it’s ok to suffer. It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to fail and fall out of place.. and it’s ok to keep fighting for my life. That life is worth fighting for.
Love you guys! Thanks

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