Yeah. This is another “just in case” suicide note, the second i have posted.
I’m not actively suicidal, i just have ideations and i dont want to leave things unsaid.
_______________________________________________________________
so i was thinking about a lot of stuff recently
and i keep thinking about how unlikely it is that i will make it to my thirties
(i never want to be that old)
i decided that i would rewrite an old note
to preface this:
if i am dead, this is mainly for my friends
NOT my family
(the blood of the covenanant is thicker than the water of the womb)
TO LeeLee:
my precious darling;
i love you so much
im so sorry that i am such a bad person
im sorry that i let all this happen
you are so important
please
PLEASE
take care of yourself
even if im not around anymore to help you
i dont want you to die too
please continue to get better
i really love you
im sorry i kept so much from you
i just never want to hurt you
please understand that i can not handle being myself
im so sorry that i can not see what you see in me
TO PJ:
you are a great friend
please take care of yourself
im sorry that you have to live with such bigoted people
thank you for being so kind to me
im sorry that i cant help you
TO Dez:
im sorry that we got so distant
(well, not really after certain things)
oh well
im sorry i didnt say something to shyla early enough to prevent that whole situation
TO Cass:
im so sorry that we hardly ever talk
you are really cool
TO Josh:
im sorry i wasnt good enough
TO FAMILY:
TO Mom:
im sorry i was never good enough for you
i have problems too
TO Marcus and his crew:
im not sorry
you guys are a mess
please stop being a racist and homophobic fuck (big marcus)
TO Jamie:
you are a huge mess
please stop using my mother
TO Kenzie:
i just dont understand you
we used to be such good friends
im sorry
TO My Grandparents:
I have a girlfriend and i am not ashamed
i love her
i never believed whole-heartedly in a god
TO Lavon (is he still alive?):
im sorry that i barely knew you
thank you for taking care of Chelsea (our collie) and my dad while he was alive
TO ANY OTHERS:
to my schools:
im sorry for being dumb
to whoever deals with my body:
im sorry for being ugly and a mess
to anyone ive hurt:
im probably sorry
to the MPA community:
im sorry i wasnt strong enough
or pretty enough
TO MYSELF:
im sorry for bruising, cutting, and (acc.) burning you
i am sorry that you hate yourself
im sorry that you couldnt be _____ enough
im sorry that i have so much wrong with me
im sorry
TO EVERYONE:
I am SO so sorry
please give my computer to LeeLee
please give my stuffed animals to kids that NEED them
please sell what you can of mine
in any way possible, i just want my remains to be used for a tree
so maybe for once i can help people.
im sorry for all the trouble ive caused
thanks