not seeing the point

There are so many things running through my head i might not make much sense, as I always do whenever I get suicidal. Actually saying that I’m suicidal actually makes me feel real juvenile for some reason, because I keep telling myself that I’m too old to run away from things like this. But truth be told, I’m just really scared of my life turning into nothing and having no point in life. I’m just really scared of my life right now, because I can literally feel it unraveling, because of who I am (and who I am NOT to be more precise).

I’ve always thought of myself as future-driven and positive. Sure, I’ve always had that streak of self-criticism and self-doubt all my life, but somehow, I managed to do well enough to make it to college and beyond. I don’t know where things started to go wrong, and at this point, there seems to be no point even wondering about that. All I know right now is that I hate every bit of my breathing, living self.

I started having trouble getting out of bed earlier this year, almost six months ago now. Couldn’t focus, could no longer imagine myself living another day. I started seeing a therapist, got on meds. Started having thoughts of suicide soon afterwards, had a breakdown, was at the psych ward for a few days, returned. To be honest, there are very few days that I can remember not thinking about killing myself. There are definitely worse days that I constantly imagine hanging, stabbing, choking myself for a few days straight, better days where suicide is some vague way out of my unraveling life.

I’m just really tired of these waves of thoughts coming and going, embarrassed of myself and overall, see no point in trying anymore. And I’m thinking that perhaps, tonight, I might be able to just leave for good.