Oh lord where do I even begin? I am new to all this and it’s frustrating and overwhelming at the same time. I have so many mixed emotions I’m not sure to look up or down. I guess I’ll start off by introducing myself I’ll go by Cam..to keep things simple. I am 27 years old, Married with 2 beautiful children. I have been married for 6 years this October. I feel as if my life is fading away in front of me. On the outside you would think I’m happy, outgoing, funny, beautiful person but on the inside I feel a very dark void there. Something I have never experienced before and not sure how to handle it. I’m not sure if it’s got something to do with me being bullied as a child or some of the emotional toll I have taken upon myself with the marriage. Behind the smile I’m hiding I have so much anger and animosity towards certain people in my life. My husband long story short he cheated multiple times and yet I’m still here thinking he will one day love me. My family- my mom was a teen mom (16) and a drug addict so my grandma adopted me I feel as if I’m not leading up to my grandmas expectations. I have always been the athletic build but always felt I was never pretty enough to be accepted she always said you’re gaining some weight you better stop eating like you do. I’m always told I’m pretty/beautiful even accepted to barbizon modeling but even that felt like a huge lie. My friends- I have been told that they’re jealous of me because I’ve always done the right thing. High school diploma, college degree in nursing, married then kids. Past boyfriends- only wanted me for sex or I thought we was dating but he said oh no that would ruin my image. But somehow I feel like it’s not right to me. I haven’t tried to commit suicide yet but I have thoughts almost every day. I have sat in my back yard crying holding a gun praying someone would help me. Then there’s a little voice saying I love you mommy what’s a matter? Why do my kids recognize there’s something wrong with me and nobody else see my pain? I have learned not to judge a book by its cover just by looking at myself in the mirror. I’m hiding some deep secrets and it’s slowly killing me.
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3 comments
Please seek professional help. Being in an unfaithful marriage is destructive to your heart. Your children would be damaged if you left them without a mother. They need you. Be proud of your accomplishment, completing nursing school. That gives you an avenue to leave your unloving husband and support yourself and your dignity.
I’ve had the ‘weight’ criticism too, all my life. Most of my life I was very thin, but when I put on weight, it goes to my belly first. As if I could change that?
You sound like an intelligent and good woman. Please seek counseling and stop letting your husband break your heart.
Thank you both. I have been to the dr a few times due to reoccurring migraines and anxiety and have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but has yet to help with the anxiety part. The marriage I feel sort of trapped. He was in a hunting accident about 10 years ago and his dad said please don’t leave him he needs you now more than you ever know. Then his dad passed a year later. It seems like a string of bad luck hit all at once.
Don’t stay together just for your kids. I don’t know your relationship, so I trust you to take my words with the obvious lense of your experience and your very own smarts that you should. “It never takes courage to leave it takes love”. Let me take two steps back and say, you are great for caring about your kids. You being happy will do them better than almost anything you could do. Maybe not advice you would hear elsewhere… but… I think you have to be happy first, if you are, you will find your children being amazing. Heck, maybe, even your marriage. But, honestly, he sounds like a douche.
If you can do nothing else, try to make your kids smile. I don’t mean in the shallow, here! have some chocolate sense, but in the, wow, you worked hard on that! Awesome! That is really special unique and cool! I don’t have kids, so take this with the grains it should be. I’ve just seen too many kids who grow up and are torn/broken by unhappy parents.
Do the constructive things you love! Incorporate those you love when you are able. Hey, this is your life. Make it the one you want! Do that thing you always have wanted to but didn’t. Spain? Go! Acting? Find a local theater! Piano? Get a cheap 88 key and a song you love! Go go! We won’t judge you either way! Make mistakes, fail, and, if you are lucky enough/able, have a good attitude for your kids when you do.
-Ceph