Weakness

I may not have had the greatest upbringing being from an undesirable neighborhood of NYC. But despite all the bad things I saw and experienced as a child, I was just so happy. The trick was, it can always be worse. No matter how bad things got, all I had to think was ‘it can always be worse’ and bam I’d feel better. No matter how terrible I think my life was, there’s always someone out there going thru much much worse. And this simple way of thinking has gotten me thru my entire life.

Now things have changed. I just turned 20 years old and joined the Navy 3 months ago. Before that, I was in college. I loved college, I love school in general. But when you can’t even afford the subway fare to get there, not to mention textbooks, or you’re barely eating anymore and these things begin to show in your grades, you know it’s time for things to change. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t happy.

So i joined the Navy, hoping it can help me with my financial problems, and make me happy again. Unfortunately this hasn’t been so. Through out my life, I always saw myself as a strong-willed individual. I was seen as the optimist by my family and friends, so much so that it’d piss them off sometimes. I always thought of this as a gift of mine, to always see the bright side of things. But I’m losing this gift. That trick that got me thru my entire life up until this point, has stopped working and instead gives me the complete opposite effect. Now when I think about how much worse things can be, it just makes me guilty. Makes me feel weak. Why am I not happy? I’m healthy, I’m safe, I should be happy. But I’m not and I can’t find out why. I’m just so tired now, and its beginning to interfere with my studies here. In a few days I get to stand in front of a bunch of chiefs here on base and get yelled at an insulted for 15 to 30 minutes because of something I screwed up with. I have no friends here, no family, or anything. I keep to myself, keep to my studies, and do what I’m told. Yet somehow I keep screwing up and getting in trouble.

I never realized how weak of a person I am until now, and I just can’t believe it. I’d been tricking myself the entire time. And the only thing that gives me a few moments of bliss an peace, is the thought of suicide. It’s almost like a high. I like to think it’s what true pure freedom feels like. The thought makes everything in my life look so insignificant and irrelevant, and it feels good. But the thought of my family an friends brings me back to reality. I can’t imagine the pain I’d bring my mother and father. Especially since in their eyes, I’m still the happy little boy they raised. They’d never see it coming, no one would.

I’m just so disappointed and ashamed of myself, and I don’t know what to do next. I almost feel stuck in time and everything is just moving around me. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting.