I try to do all the things they say, the things that will make me “better” or make me “normal”. Those magical promised results do not come and I feel robotic and alienated. I feel stuck in a spiral of self blame. I do not have the possibility of a better future to cling to, I am not young and filled with endless potential. It seems impossible to find a community or group to fit into, I’m just too different in ways that make people consider me non human. Someone who does not have basic human desires is uncomfortable to be around. Amongst other things. I have never been able to understand sexual desires and the desire to have children and I don’t eat a wide variety of food. Of course I never tell people these things, because the results are very predictable, but they ask – and I cant lie – another one of my oddities – then they are incredulous, they laugh and mock and look at me as if I am contaminated. An exit from this world is what I need, this place where I don’t belong. I have attempted to end it twice, but have been found before it was too late by “well meaning” people. When I am in dark mood it seems that that they must hate me intensely to want it to continue, they must want my suffering to continue as if there is some great virtue in it, perhaps it makes them feel good to have “saved a life”, or perhaps they just want something to look at to remind them how superior they are. And of course I am selfish – yet I never talk about it and upset them, I make sure everything is in order and that there is no mess to be cleaned up. I would actually doing the world a great favour by removing myself – why can’t anyone see it that way?
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2 comments
I read this on this site; it is to noone else’s benefit that you are gone. Even from a selfish point of view they would beat themselves up for the rest of their lives if you did go. So it doesn’t help anyone else. But that doesn’t change the way you feel. If we want to stay and to live it has to be for ourselves that we do it ultimately. A massive hug xxx
Thank you for your kind comment. Everyone says that it would be selfish to kill myself, because it would affect others – but to what extent would it really? It would probably just give them something to talk about for a while and they would feel better as a result of the social interaction, therefore they would benefit from it. It would temporarily create a common interest, a reason to interact and serve to strengthen their relationships. Their bonds may even be permanently strengthened. How could that be bad?. No one truly cares for me and I am a financial and social burden on society. Furthermore I am contributing to pollution and environmental degradation by using resources, one less person producing waste and carbon emissions (e.g. car exhaust) would benefit the environment far more than someone merely recycling etc. Costs incurred by my continued existence outweigh any benefits derived. Anyway I can’t think of any reason I would wish to go on living for myself. Maybe I’ll get past this – I don’t know, but I want to die soon, I just need an effective plan. I do apologise for being so bleak!